‘Separated’ isn’t divorced where honesty is concerned

I started dating a woman two months ago.

She’s divorced, 46, has a teenage son and 21-year-old daughter. Her mother, 80, and brother also live with her.

I told her I’ve been separated from my spouse for several years.

I’m 54, live in my own condo. She’s visited me there several times, but no sex.

I plan to sell my condo, move to a less expensive place, and ask my ex to finalize the divorce.

Due to a career change, I’d recently taken a part-time/weekend job with long hours but didn’t tell my new girlfriend. I feared it’d harm the relationship.

I like her. Our dates were short, and finding time difficult due to her responsibilities. We went out to cafes and coffee shops. I always paid (inexpensive). She never tried to pay.

Recently, she questioned and I responded, that I’m not officially divorced.

She freaked out as to why I didn’t tell her this, partially accused me of lying, adding if she knew initially she wouldn’t have continued.

She ghosted me the next day, not calling nor texting back. I emailed everything in detail. She agreed to meet once more.

She said that I’m not free if not divorced. And that my ex can have claims to my condo sale and to many other things.

Should I have initially explained my not having an official divorce?

How can I get her back? In our age group, can love develop? Or are there lots of calculations for getting into any relationship?

– Ghosted and Sad

You chose a woman with many responsibilities for children and relatives.

You were considering her seriously, yet only wrote that you “like” her. Meanwhile, you kept secret your true marital status and your weekend job.

Yes, there are complexities people consider when dating someone who isn’t “free,” including whether an ex is going to make financial and other demands on you.

There’s no magic potion that’ll win her back, but if you feel love for her, you should say so. And apologize for hiding the truth.

Next, start your divorce process. This woman won’t accept you otherwise. Regarding the money issue: Time to reveal your weekend job and future work or career plans.

You need to learn if she’s interested in your money or just being practical when she expresses concerns about your ex and your condo.

I’m a client of a beauty salon chain and get regular waxing services, occasional facials and manicures. I always tip 10 to 15 per cent for services that range from $35 to $150, and take from 30 to 90 minutes.

Recently, I added laser hair removal treatments. While satisfied with the service and results, I’m indignant at the tipping expectations, suggested on their electronic payment machines.

The laser treatment costs $175 (before tip and taxes) for approximately 15 minutes’ work. If I tip 10-15 percent, I feel I’m devaluing the workers who perform work that takes less time, but requires just as much skill.

I believe that the workers in this business make a living wage, so the usual arguments for tipping don’t apply.

– Tipping Issue

I believe in tipping generously but affordably, especially when the contact’s frequent, personal, and you’re happy with the results.

With some treatments you describe, it’s not the time that’s being rewarded, it’s the skill and the training for which the worker has paid.

Also, in many beauty salons, staff have to pay the boss/ chain-owner for their chair or space, and often for their own blow dryers, curling irons, etc. Even the laser machine.

FEEDBACK

Regarding the wife who left her husband and three daughters for another man who impregnated her, and now wishes to return (December 19): Reader: “The wife should be encouraged by in-laws to start a beautiful relationship with the child she’s carrying.

“She left her family in shatters. Let them be.

“Tough love will allow her to grow in a more responsible loving fashion toward her other three children and she’ll find love and harmony on her own, with this child. “Returning to her husband will only allow her to use him like the welfare recipient she is.

“The in-laws’ are trying to be loving, caring, and supportive of their injured son.”

Ellie: I believe in, and will repeat my response to the in-laws: “Be the example you want your three granddaughters to see, loving (which you are), and open-minded (which you aren’t).” The daughters need to see their Mom.

TIP OF THE DAY

“Separated” doesn’t mean divorced. Honesty matters.