Keep eyes open for red flags

Journal Pioneer - - ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT - El­lie Tesher

I’m an older man with a grown daugh­ter who was not a very big part of my life (due to her mother’s in­fi­delity and re­fusal to al­low visi­ta­tion, af­ter mul­ti­ple court bat­tles and one con­tempt charge).

I’ve met some­one and we are plan­ning to get mar­ried.

But re­cently my fi­ancée in­formed me that she did not want my grown daugh­ter to be at the wed­ding (nor any of my friends, either).

My fi­ancée has been most in­sis­tent that I try to have a re­la­tion­ship with my daugh­ter, but that the re­la­tion­ship would not in­clude her (i.e. the fi­ancée). I have been main­tain­ing con­tact with my daugh­ter but we are sev­eral hun­dred miles apart, so it is not a “drop-in” type of re­la­tion­ship.

I am hurt and up­set but don’t know what to do other than to ac­qui­esce since it re­ally is the “bride’s day.”

– Groom’s Dilemma

It may be “the bride’s day”

but it is the groom’s life yours - that she’s try­ing to con­trol.

This is a red flag. Without your de­scrib­ing any more ex­plana­tory rea­sons for her de­mand that nei­ther your daugh­ter NOR your friends at­tend, leaves the im­pres­sion that your fi­ancée doesn’t want any at­ten­tion on who you are and whom you have been.

Worse, she has no in­ter­est in meet­ing or get­ting to know your only daugh­ter, as if that oc­ca­sional con­tact would also take at­ten­tion away from to­tal fo­cus on your mar­i­tal re­la­tion­ship. I urge you to think through care­fully what mar­riage to this woman would mean for you.

So far, I see too many re­stric­tions be­ing im­posed on you, plus ev­ery de­ci­sion hers, with you as an ac­ces­sory to her life. Post­pone the wed­ding and con­sider go­ing to cou­ples’ coun­selling with her (if she’ll go). It may pro­vide a bet­ter chance at hear­ing any log­i­cal rea­sons be­hind her ar­bi­trary (and mean) com­mands.

TIP OF THE DAY

Be­ware “Bride’s Day” con­trols that set the pat­tern through­out the mar­riage.

Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­lie@thes­tar.ca. Fol­low @el­liead­vice.

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