Maintain contact to allow relationship

My son’s wife left him and moved to another city when their baby was four-monthsold.

My son worked hard to stay connected with his child over the next several years.

The demands placed on him put his already-compromised health in further jeopardy. He died unexpectedly.

We’ve tried to keep the relationship with this boy (now seven) through Facetime and telephone. We cannot go often to his city, and he cannot travel here alone. Conversations with him are forced; he’s clearly not interested.

We have close and mutually beneficial relationships with our other grandchildren who live nearby.

We’re trying to honour what our son worked so hard for, but it’s not working. Many people have said he’ll come back to you when he’s older.

This is another layer of pain on top of the loss of our son. Should we give up?

What else can we do to sustain and enrich this relationship?

– Distanced Grandchild

Keep your expectations realistic and you won’t be so disappointed.

Your grandchild will become a teen, a young man, likely, a father. He’ll want to know more.

Reach out to his level. Send a book, then call to talk about it. Tell him about his cousins and send photos. Use Skype for growing familiarity with you and your family.

Try to visit him once a year and spend a couple of days doing fun things. They’ll build memories of you as his grandparents.

When he’s ready to ask ques- tions, connect him to information about his father, photos, stories, his interests, and any mementoes you have. Meanwhile, try to maintain a respectful relationship with his mother to encourage the connection.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.