Sexual rejection requires closer look

Q

: I’ve been married for 18 months after dating for over a year. My husband is late50’s. I’m early-50s.

Over the last year he’s been declining in our sex life to about twice a month. He’s told me he has absolutely no sex drive or desire.

He constantly says how pretty I am but won’t touch me. I ask, and he mostly says no. When it does happen it’s always the same position and absolutely awful.

I love my husband. He’s admitted that before me, he was with many women and was very sexually active.

I feel like a fat, ugly duckling who cannot spark my husband.

I’ve suggested seeing doctors or a therapist but he refuses. Meantime my self-esteem is in the toilet and I fear my marriage won’t last.

He’s adamantly insisted there’s no one else and I believe him.

I cannot imagine the rest of my life spent like this.

— Should I End It?

A: Before making that decision, you need to understand what’s really going on. And he needs to know that if nothing changes, he’s on his own. Ask him, to be honest about why he won’t see a doctor or therapist, what’s he afraid of?

Explain that his lack of libido may have to do with a health problem he’s ignoring and letting get worse. So he needs answers for his sake, not just yours.

Be clear that his rejection is damaging your self-image and making you feel you must leave him to regain confidence and another chance at happiness. Remind him it will mean both of you going through the stresses of legally dividing assets, getting divorced, etc.

His responses will help you decide what to do.

TIP OF THE DAY

Arbitrarily rejecting sex without a health reason or trying therapy is a relationship exit strategy.