Compromise can fix a relationship divide

The lives with one parent who’s almost 80.

I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level by both moving out and living together. He doesn’t want to leave his parent alone in an empty house. This parent is capable of cooking and cleaning, but my boyfriend feels that, alone, the person will go downhill.

His parent isn’t ready to live in a retirement home either. I’ve suggested us buying something where his parent can live in the basement. Or, my boyfriend can regularly visit his parent’s house to check things. He’s suggested that I move in with them, but I want my own place and independence.

I love him and want to be with him, but how long do I wait?

This issue is weighing us both down, and causing arguments. Do I give him a timeline? Or just buy something myself and move on with my own needs?

– Which Step?

Your positions have equal weight. He feels admirable responsibility and caring for his parent.

You understandably want independence and a deeper relationship. Unfortunately, convincing your boyfriend to leave his parent, is likely to not bring you closer. So instead of relying on him to move you out of your home, your own suggestion to move to a place of your own is a logical start.

It shouldn’t mean ending your relationship, so long as you don’t hold this against him. You’ll be able to spend more overnights and weekends together in your place, and he and his parent will gradually see that a) the parent can manage alone sometimes, and b) you two do need space and time purely on your own.

As his parent ages, things may need more adjustments. Unless you fear that your boyfriend is never leaving the nest, this is the time to show that a reasonable compromise is available to you and what you need personally.