Finding the sexual middle ground

Q : I’m early-40s, father of two girls, at home while my wife has a successful career. She travels a lot; I do the household stuff.

I’ve been sex deprived for years as her libido faded with time, tiredness, and physiological issues “down there” (related to giving birth).

Yet she’s postponed consulting a physician or therapist about her low libido.

Due to sex deprivation, I was frequently feeling rejected and depressed, impatient with the kids. I felt that I had to ignore her to cope.

After our spring-break vacation, and despite being close to intimate and having a good time, sex wasn’t part of it. We’ve been sleeping apart since, and I’ve been sleeping so well. Now I feel great, even if there’s even less sex (once last month).

I’ve consciously lowered my libido to her level.

I don’t encourage sexy thoughts about her. I avoid porn. I don’t get “interested” when she’s naked.

I hug her without grabbing her butt.

When she wears sexy yoga gear, I see a woman working out rather than a teasing lover. She works from home so there’s opportunity for daytime sex. I now respect that she doesn’t want that and stopped bothering her.

I’m more energetic. I’ve become that great father my kids deserve.

Was I like a sex-addict? Has she cured me?

— Curious Changes

A: You’ve developed a mindover-matter solution to mismatched libidos.

Now you’ve found a meeting ground in attitudes, and it’s working for you.

Enjoy!

Were you a sex addict? More likely, the physical/emotional/ lifestyle changes of her bearing children and you being househusband, made you needy of reassurance through sex, and her more tired.

The “cure” is an intelligent accommodation.

I’m betting it creates more intimacy, a boosted self-image for you, and more respect for you, by her.

Q : My husband of seven years is nine years older than me. We both work fulltime and have two kids in weekend activities. Before marriage, he had a problem with alcohol and he smoked heavily, but quit both over five years ago.

But his anxiety is getting increasingly serious.

Recently, all his thoughts are consumed with his “heartburn” issues.

He was recently diagnosed with scleroderma. He reads the symptoms online. This past week, he’s gone to the hospital ER twice.

He’s made a will in case he dies soon. I think he’s overreacting and dramatic.

He’s said that he mightn’t be able to help out with the kids and house chores much anymore (I do most of it already).

I recently mentioned divorce. This is how serious it’s become for me.

I can’t take him talking about his health all the time and ignoring my advice for a more active life, going for walks, cutting out coffee and soft drinks. Am I being too harsh with him? — Tired and Had Enough A: Actually, you’re pretty harsh. Scleroderma is an autoimmune rheumatic and chronic disease that can range from mild to life threatening.

He’s scared, and you’re talking about divorce. Medications can sometimes control it. The skin problems may even fade away, but if it’s the type that affects internal organs, it usually worsens with time, according to www.mayoclinic.org.

See his doctor with him and learn what to expect and how to help, not harangue him.

Your ideas for healthier nutrition are wise but need better presentation. Caffeine and soda are both “no-nos” on every antiheartburn list.

He needs a partner, not a scold. Your kids also need a better role model for handling real health issues in the family.

FEEDBACK: Regarding dealing with married men who only want sex with you (April 12):

Reader – “If you’re sure that the man you meet is ‘safe’ to be with, on the first date he gets to see your place. But there’s NO sex.

“On the second date, you get to see his place. Still, NO sex.

“If he insists that you cannot see his place – and the reason he offers is that it’s because he ‘lives with his unwell mother,’ then he’s married.

“NO more dates.”

Reader’s Commentary: “Your response to today’s (Apr.3) teasing complaint was excellent.

“But besides the discomfort of the teased wife, the “friends” before whom it’s done, may also be embarrassed (although they may hide it).

“They may recognize the cruelty of his behaviour and be unimpressed.

“If the husband’s made aware of this it may carry more weight than all of the wife’s discomfort.” TIP OF THE DAY Not enough sex? Stop keeping score, find common ground. You’ll feel better.