Aff airs have their own traps
I’ve just stepped out of an affair. He wasn’t who I thought he was.
I’d met him through a friend and was immediately attracted. We had a year of email exchanges for his work advice.
I also asked him to do some charity work. He accepted graciously. He started sending me messages with huge compliments. I knew what he was doing, but let my head swim. Yes, I’m married, but the last seven to ten years haven’t been great. I suspect that my spouse is bi- polar and fi nally got him in treatment/ counseling, but no medication yet. Well, the mutual fl irting with the other man was fun, exciting, fl attering, and dangerous. We got together a couple of times, just kissing. He was holding back, saying I was special. When I left the fi rst time, he texted right away, like, leave your husband and be my girlfriend. When we fi nally did get together, he dropped a bomb, saying that he had an addiction problem.
He cried in my arms. He then started a 12- step program.
I wasn’t buying into all of it. So, I decided to bring some food, say I’ll always be your friend, and that he needs to get clean. He knows that I work in health care. He knows that it’s a big responsibility to put on my shoulders, someone going through detox alone. Having someone’s death on my conscience isn’t cool. So, here I am, knowing I was lied to, and that he isn’t the worst person in the world nor the best. I’ve sent messages to check on his wellbeing, getting curt answer’s back. His job is high- profi le, if people found out it could ruin his career and life. I talked to a counselor in our facility. She’s allowing him to call her since she’s 30 years sober and can assist with help.
I’ve decided to off er this for his wellbeing and future. Maybe he’ll apologize to me, maybe not.
– Moving Forward Now
You write a cautionary tale for others, making one very good point: Th e grass is often not greener when you run from a problem at home, and fail to notice you’re dealing with another.
For a person in the health care fi eld, it’s striking that it took over seven diffi cult years for you to suspect that your husband’s bipolar. And odd, too, that you’re so shocked that a man who obviously cared for you and wanted to lean on you, didn’t alert you immediately that he’s an addict. It seems you fell into the same errors of judgement that cause so many extra- marital aff airs.
Flirting and flattery were more compelling than working along with your husband’s counselling to see if the marriage could improve. Then, hearing about another man’s potential dependency on you, you fled. You’ve gone from an escapist affair, to feeling you were “played.”