Keep in contact with adult siblings

Our oldest sister, X, has always been very bossy. My other sister, Y, would get pushed around, but I’d stand up to X. Now, all late-50s, we live in three different countries. X is the only one still single. Y still lives near our mom, who’s almost 90. She finally moved to a retirement apartment. X and I returned home for months to help Mom move. X was very difficult, constantly bombarding us with loud music, scanning every childhood Christmas card, primary school report card, etc. into her laptop. Despite having the highest education among us, she’s very superstitious. Moving, or selling the house, etc. had to be done on certain dates only. While Y and I are very conservative with investing, X is a gambler and a speculator. She was constantly trying to push her misguided health beliefs, pyramid schemes and risky investment choices on us. She reads technical stuff, takes things out of context, and gets obsessed and paranoid about them. She’s very lonely inside. When she accused me of alienating our siblinghood, I took a reconciling approach, and said it must’ve been a misunderstanding. She remained hostile. She’s argumentative and confrontational on everything big and small. She’s also careless and irresponsible with bills, tax obligations, and finances. She leaves everything to the last minute. Y and I dread talking to her on the phone because if we’re not arguing, she’s preaching about risky investments or alternative medicine or therapy. I don’t know if her behaviour’s just a personality thing, or is caused by a mental condition. If we were to suggest that she seek professional help, she’d say I’m the one who needs it. What can we do to help her? – Concerned Siblings Until she wants help, or is in a state when it’s a necessity, there’s little you can do beyond trying to keep the peace. She lives alone in a different country from you and your other sister, and is committed to her own beliefs. If you start pressing her to get help, she’ll end contact with you. Instead, stay in touch, ask how she’s doing, and if she opens the door to further conversation about her health and welfare, follow-up gently. Meanwhile, suggest that in case of any emergency where you can’t reach her, it’d be wise for her to give you contacts for someone close (friend, colleague, neighbour).

TIP OF THE DAY

Adult siblings with difficult personalities since childhood are unlikely to change, but may need help eventually. Keep contact.