About ‘tough love’
Do you think “tough love” is the right way to handle an adult child who lacks ambition?
My friend’s daughter is 25, attractive, sweet, and sincere. But despite creative talent and sociability, she’s only worked here and there for short periods. Her parents are fed up and say she has to get a job anywhere before her next birthday, or they’re renting out her room. And they mean it.
Yet these are well-off people who don’t need the money. They raised her to take for granted their family trips south in winter, a cottage in summer, even trips to Europe.
Among their four children, she was obviously the most emotionally sensitive and delicate one. Recently, she experienced a serious trauma in her relationship with a former close friend. I’ve known her for years and fear that if her parents carry out their threat, it’ll cause her emotional abuse that she can’t handle at all.
Or, do you think that their ultimatum can actually move her to get a real job and push her toward independence?
– Concerned Friend
Only a professional therapist/psychiatrist can predict the impact of tough-love measures on a specific personality. That happens through getting to know the person, not guessing from brief details.
I’ve heard of people who, having reached bottom, scraped up last bits of strength and courage to surmount their problems and shortcomings. However, your friend has apparently always been emotionally delicate. And she’s dealing with a trauma.
For me, this is a situation where people of means can make sure she’s getting good therapy. They can work with the specialist’s suggestions and their daughter’s positive traits (creative, sociable) to direct her to a course/internship/part-time work or volunteering that provides positive experiences and encouragement.
Does tough love harm or hurt an adult child? I believe parents need to take a hard look at themselves plus their child, and be able to feel comfortable with answering these questions: My general answer as to tough love’s harm or help: It depends on the parents’ motives and methods, and on the adult child’s inner resilience or lack thereof.