Don’t let social media demean who you are and what you want
My friends suggested I try a popular dating app. I’m late30s, attractive, divorced, no kids. One guy who texted me was the same age, decent-looking and said he was in town for a few days staying at a hotel.
After exchanging a few meaningless texts, I said that I’d had a long work day and was going to sleep early (9 p.m.). I was awakened by his next text at 2 a.m.: “Come over.” Gross! Possibly dangerous, too! I cancelled the app. Has today’s dating become more about hookups than any interest in people?
– Turned Off
You have the confidence to refuse what you don’t want (such as takeout sex delivered to a strange man’s hotel room).
However, social media has opened up possibilities between strangers, and that guy felt free to try it with you, because you were on that app.
The result can be OK, terrifying or a waste of time, which is why social media “dating” requires that users know themselves and their limits. Next, research the various apps for style as well as content, e.g. a one-minute exchange after looking at profile photos is not a conversation, and “likes” based on minimal information don’t make for a connection.
That said, there are people who only want hookups and no emotional intimacy. Fair for them. But for those hoping to have a real connection with someone, beware the sudden come-on to enter a situation where you have no control in another’s private space.
No, current dating mores haven’t all gone to hookup hell. It was always possible in the modern era for women and men alike to have sex on a date. But now it’s more immediately available through instant-gratification technology.
Yet you still can’t “know” someone until you meet as equals, in a public space, with the freedom to either stay or go at will.
My boyfriend of seven years has two adult children and an ex-wife. They talk often by text and phone.
His kids and I have a wonderful relationship. His wife and I get along very well. My partner gets giddy when she’s around. He recently said that, because a couple of my kids struggle with life, that I must be the problem, my parenting is bad, etc. He doesn’t want me to associate with his kids anymore as I’m a “bad influence.” It was like a dagger to the heart.
My kids weren’t allowed at our place for Christmas Eve and I went out because his wife would be here with their kids and I’d be watching their family from the outside. He knew I was upset and how much I love his kids. I’m unsure how to address this without packing and leaving, and not returning this time even though I love him so much!
– Undecided
I appreciate that it’s hard to consider leaving a man and his children whom you love. But he’s suddenly turned on you in an extremely hurtful way, almost pushing you to leave.
It seems obvious to me that he has some motive — whether a reconnection with his ex, or interest in someone else, or some other reason for this sudden, mean announcement with no discussion beforehand.
Insist he explain himself further. If he continues to shut you out — and your kids (which is unconscionable) — see a lawyer or legal aid clinic about your common-law rights regarding financial and legal responsibilities between you two as partners to date.