May you enjoy your time in the meantime
I have recently ended a relationship and am in between dating. What advice would you offer me so that I can move on to the next chapter of my life? In between relationships
BLAIR
You are in what we call ‘the meantime’, which provides a great opportunity for self-discovery. Reflecting on past relationships is an essential process for learning from past mistakes so that you don’t repeat the same patterns in future partnerships.
In my youth, after leaving one relationship and immediately entering a new one, I clearly remember learning this lesson. There I was in the kitchen with my new girlfriend, having the same argument that I had had not too long ago in my past relationship. Bottom line, if you don’t resolve your issues, they’ll continue to surface in the next one and the next, because you’re the common denominator. For example, a child of an addicted parent may unintentionally attract a similar situation when he/she grows up, wanting to fix what they couldn’t fix in their first family. Dealing with dysfunctional ways of being such as co-dependency is the first step in creating a lasting future relationship.
I hope you can see this time as a gift to become emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. Instead of looking for the perfect person, you can work to become a person most fit for a healthy relationship!
JENNY
I’m so excited for you because you now have the opportunity to nurture your primary relationship, the one you have with yourself! Not everyone has this chance to ‘date themselves’, since so many people hook up with their life partners early in life and never experience this freedom. While you may need to wallow in your loneliness for a bit and grieve the loss of your last relationship, (which you’re entitled to do), you can also choose to take this time in the meantime to discover what truly makes you tick. I invite you to buy a journal, one that reflects your interests and personality, and take time each day to write about your dreams and your ideal life. The following are a few suggested topics for free writing to help bring clarity to your future choices:
· My top five core values in relationship—these are non-negotiable aspects of a relationship that you require to feel safe and secure, such as trust, independence, respect, patience, adventure, hard work, humour etc. Clarifying your top five values will help distill what’s most important to you in any intimate relationship.
· My healing work—this entry may be difficult but as Blair said above, if you don’t do the work to heal your past heart breaks, they are likely to re-surface in some way in your next relationship. Take the time to revisit your past and ask yourself: what part of me accepted this form of interaction as permissible? How do I wish to be treated in the future? How can I improve on my own ways of relating?
· My ‘Love to’ list—write down all the things that inspire, nourish and light you up (this will hopefully consume a number of pages). This exercise helps to identify the things that uplift your spirits, such as flowers on the table, quiet time in the mornings, wine and your favorite romcom etc. Instead of waiting for your future partner to meet your needs, go ahead and fulfill them yourself. This will help you to develop selfcare habits that will enable you to be inter-dependent in relationship, instead of being dependent which can put a lot of stress expectation on any relationship.
It is our hope that by applying our suggestions, you may just look back on this time as one of the most valuable periods of your life. May you enjoy your time in the meantime!