Guy ghosted by women
Many reasons an online relationship stops before it begins
Q - Why do women who “like” you on a dating site, agree to meet at a specific time and place, then don’t show up?
It has happened to me three times! Another woman did come to the bar, said 10 minutes later that she was going to the washroom, then disappeared.
She never answered my text when I said I was worried whether she was OK.
I’m a decent-looking guy, late-40s. All of these women were close to my age.
What causes grown women to act like children and ghost the people they agreed to meet? Alone at the Bar
A - Many women have also written about having been ghosted by men who arranged a date but were no-shows.
It’s a negative by-product of online dating, in the common but uncertain goal of strangers wanting to connect with someone but unsure if they’ve made the right pick.
They’re scared or found a better profile or don’t feel up for the effort on the meeting day.
Maybe it’s the choice of a bar that suggests a specific atmosphere to some would-be dates. Example: The woman agrees, then worries enough to not even suggest meeting elsewhere instead.
It’s bad behaviour for anyone to just bail on an agreed date, but, on the internet, there’s nothing invested before meeting, so nothing’s worth taking an imagined risk.
New approach: After mutual “likes”, tell more about yourself and ask more questions. Find some common interests. Then suggest meeting in her neighbourhood, where she says she feels comfortable.
Worth a try.
Q – I’m in my mid-50s and have undergone two organ transplants due to a chronic illness.
I had to leave my career and my marriage failed. I became a single parent of two young children.
My older sister generously/ bravely donated a kidney to me, and for my next transplant she stayed by my side for almost three months.
After six weeks, she arranged for a weekend off by inviting my sister-in-law to come help me. However, my sister found I was too ill to leave. But she still extended a welcome to visit.
Unfortunately, our SIL felt hurt and hasn’t spoken to me or my sister since.
My brother tried to convince her, unsuccessfully, to not take this personally.
It’s hard for people to understand that when I was in such a physically/emotionally compromised state, trying to explain my many needs to someone new was exhausting.
Everyone else in my circle who’d been delayed a visit, understood and didn’t take it personally.
Once gaining strength, I wrote my SIL, thanking her for other help to my son and said
I’d like a visit. No response.
Our brother now sides with his wife.
There has been five years of estrangement, no family gatherings, (hardest on our elderly mother). We miss our brother, especially because we lost our other brother eight years ago to a genetic disease and lost our Dad at 45, to this hereditary disease.
We’ve moved on, but my SIL’s behaviour still frustrates me.
I don’t have the strength for a face-to-face meeting. How do I handle this situation? Frustrating Family Rift
A - For the sake of your health, your children and other supportive family, you must continue to move on.
Unfortunately, your sisterin-law felt shut out, not trusted enough.
She may also have been scared, maybe still is, that her husband or children could’ve inherited this devastating disease. While immediate relatives have likely had genetic testing, this remains a frightening cloud in a family’s history.
Try to forgive her reaction. Q - A twice-divorced male coworker has frequently corralled me with sad stories about his teenage daughter’s estrangement from him.
Then, months ago, he reported that his two school-age sons from his second marriage also refuse to see or talk to him.
He sounds miserable and I’ve been stuck listening and feeling badly for him.
However, he has now announced that he has met someone whom he wants to marry and she’s already pregnant by him.
I’ve lost any possibility of respect for him since he learns nothing from his children’s loss of love for him.
How do I get him to stop confiding in me?
Too Much Information
A - Stop listening. Tell him he needs professional counselling, to learn why his relationships fail and his children reject him. They need a father’s love/support/ involvement and he needs them. Other people’s pity won’t help.
Tell him to use his complaining time in therapy sessions learning how to be a father his kids can respect.
Ellie’s tip of the day: Online dating requires patience and trying different approaches.