Counselling is an opportunity

I met a man three years after my divorce and the strong chemistry between us was immediate.

My friend who’d introduced us, said he’d told her he was leaving his marriage.

He invited me to dinner with him the next night, since he was only in town for a week’s work. I thought, there’s no harm in one dinner, but the chemistry won out.

We were together every moment that he wasn’t working.

After he left, we text-messaged occasionally. Then he phoned to say he’d return to see me, not for work.

I said, “don’t come unless you’re officially separated.” Six months later, he arrived with his separation agreement.

We had five glorious years of long-distance dating, he’d be here every couple of months for a week. We met in other cities where he had to work (easy for me since most of my business is done online).

Then, my friend heard through the grapevine, that he was seeing other women.

I was devastated.

It’s six years later now, and I’ve dated some people. But

I’ve not been excited about anyone, and I’m unsure I can trust another man.

My former lover has recently reached out and suggested we meet as “former dear friends,” somewhere that once had special meaning for us.

Dare I meet him again? Do I demand an explanation for why he cheated when we both declared we were so in love? Can I ever trust him again?

– Love’s Merry Go-Round Tough decision. Still, you’re fortified now with awareness of his ability to change course in mid-relationship.

You must show determination to not let things go that far, not without a full discussion of why he cheated after five years of bliss.

If you’re drawn back into strong feelings for him, insist that you attend couples’ counselling together. You both need a therapist’s view of that part of your history.

You must also discuss in counselling how to handle trust issues for the future.

FEEDBACK

Another letter regarding the pros and cons of ancestry searching:

Reader: I did my DNA test a couple of years ago because I hoped to learn more about my mother’s family, about whom I knew very little. She died when I was 16.

“My family was originally from Eastern Europe and I was brought up as a Catholic.† Imagine my amazement when I found out I was 50% European Jewish.

“I was quite angered by this initially as this was part of my heritage that I’d missed.

“But then I realized that it was possible that my mother did not know either.† She was married to my father in a Catholic ceremony shortly after World War Two and was always identified as a Catholic in official documents.

“Her parents might’ve decided to pass as Christians because of the many pogroms and attacks on Jews where they lived.

“It makes me very sad to think of what they might’ve gone through to make such a decision.

“They might’ve meant to tell her when she got older but the war disrupted everything. She was still a child when it broke out. Her mother was killed. She lost contact with her father, and only found him in 1961 through the Red Cross, but he died the next year.

“I’m happy that I did the test but sad that there’s so much information I’ll probably never know about my family.

“Ironically, I married a Jewish man whose mother was very angry with me because I wasn’t Jewish!”

Every year, my mother-inlaw hosts Easter dinner on Easter Monday, that’s her tradition.

Early on, it didn’t matter. My parents hosted their dinner on Easter Sunday.

Ten years ago, we moved to another city, away from both sets of grandparents. Our kids are in school, and it’s no longer easy to stay over Monday night because they have to be in classes Tuesday morning.

We need to talk to her parents but we know her mother’s going to be angry that I’m still coming home to my parents for Sunday.

It’s not personal, it’s timing. Even if we stay with her parents and leave Monday, it won’t be good enough for her.

– How To Handle? Different approaches: Depending on the kids’ ages/ grades, ask their teachers for any Tuesday work/ homework and attend both dinners. As they get older, she must accept change.

Or, invite both sets of parents to visit and have Easter celebrations at your place.

TIP OF THE DAY

Probe through counselling why someone cheated and whether to trust him/her again.