Filling your love tank
A number of years ago I couldn’t understand why my husband wouldn’t buy me flowers. He had no idea how disappointed I was when he showed up empty handed. He knew something was wrong, because I’d give him the cold shoulder or snap at him. One day I asked him why he didn’t stop to bring me flowers. He told me it was because it didn’t make sense to him that he’d buy me something that would die.
I learned why he didn’t do it. I didn’t understand it until I was introduced to The 5 Love Languages. In his book, Gary Chapman, shares his belief that there are five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
Chapman says each of us has a love tank, and like our car’s gas tank, it needs regular refueling. When our love tank is empty, we misbehave and act out.
Our love tank is filled when someone speaks our love language. The long days, short nights, and overwhelming information and schedule of caregiving drains the love tanks more than filling them. This leads to misunderstandings, frustration and you end up feeling unloved and undervalued.
To fill your love tanks, you will want to learn your love language and the language of your loved one. Usually we “speak” our love language to our loved one, and they don’t understand it, nor do we understand their language.
Which one of these five languages speaks to you?
1. Words of affirmation: giving compliments and acknowledgement.
2. Quality time: spending time doing things together, watching a movie, going out, for a meal or concert. 3. Receiving gifts. 4. Acts of service: doing things for others, ie laundry, housework, errands.
5. Physical touch: hugging, cuddling, holding hands, stroking hair, gentle touching like putting your hands on their shoulder
The secret to making this really work for your relationships is that when you take the first step to identify their love tank, and then start to fill it up, they will become happier and more eager to fill up yours.
To discover your love language, take the questionnaire in the book or at www.5lovelanguages.com. After you and your loved one complete the questionnaire, have a conversation about what specific things you can do for each other to keep your love tanks full.
My husband’s love language was acts of service, so he couldn’t understand how I didn’t know that when he cooked for me and did the laundry that he was telling me he loved me. When I learned that, I appreciated those things so much more.
And I bought my own flowers.
Lorna Scott is a caregiver strategist, a member of the Caregiver Coalition of Southeast Alberta and The Caregiver’s Lighthouse; and is author of the best selling book “Walking the Journey Together … Alone.” She may be contacted at lorna@thecaregiverslighthouse.com or 403-5488437.