THE BEAST WITH THE CANDLESTICK IN THE BALLROOM
Tale as old as time comes back to life on the big screen, writes Chris Lackner.
Big release on March 17: Beauty and the Beast
Big picture: It’s a “tale as old as time.” Hermione is kidnapped by a beast, and develops Stockholm Syndrome. This live-action reboot of the classic fairy tale — girl-meets-hideous-violentbeast-who-is-secretly-a-cursedgentle-GQ-prince — is given a feminist spin. Belle (Emma Watson) is “a reader,” which qualifies as “ahead of her time” in her small village (and the current White House). When her father is kidnapped by the titular Beast, feisty Belle knocks on his castle door. Of course, she agrees to swap places with papa, and thus begins a life spent talking to CGI candlesticks and tea cups. An angered Beast eventually kicks Belle out, and she is hunted by wolves in the woods. When the hairy heartthrob is wounded trying to save her, their prisoner-captive relationship is almost reversed.
Forecast: This won’t be the first Disney cartoon to find modern enlightenment. I predict a future Little Mermaid will trade her voice for legs — not for a handsome boy, but to fulfil her dream of building a successful chain of sushi restaurants. Snow White will save “Sleeping Beauty” (in this case, Prince Charming), and then ditch “true love” to become the frontwoman of a band (Snow & the Heigh Hos) backed by seven dwarfs (and genuine songbirds). Cinderella will buy a Roomba to clean her wicked stepmother’s house, and spend all day auditioning eligible princes. Her only stipulation? They need to fit into a slim-fit pair of designer jeans and a tight muscle shirt.
TV
Big events: Trial & Error (March 14, NBC/CTV); Marvel’s Iron Fist (March 17, Netflix)
Big picture: True-crime documentaries get lampooned in this comedy gem. Imagine The Office meets Law & Order. Trial & Error is a mockumentary series starring John Lithgow as a nutty poetry professor charged with his wife’s murder. When a big-city lawyer (Nicholas D’Agosto) is hired to defend him, the show finds itself guilty of inducing laughter. Ethical legal questions include, “How do you score a not-guilty verdict for a man who roller skated through the crime scene’s pool of blood?” (BTW: After the première, the series will air back-to-back, new episodes every week). Meanwhile, Marvel’s Iron Fist (Finn Jones) is like The Karate Kid meets Doctor Strange.
This is Marvel’s fourth adultoriented Netflix series, and sets the stage for the limited series The Defenders (premièring this summer), which will also feature previous soloist heroes Daredevil, Jessica Jones and Luke Cage. BTW: Iron Fist wields a mystical power known as the Iron Fist (he’s also not very creative when it comes to superhero names). His abilities allow him to summon-and-wield his Chi energy (if they teach this at yoga, I’ve seriously been missing out). We’re told Iron Fist is “a child touched by fire destined to be our greatest warrior.” And we know this because his fists glow like E.T. My biggest criticism? Iron Fist’s alter ego is yet another handsome billionaire. Is crime-fighting becoming a one per centres club?
Forecast: Lithgow nails every part these days — whether serial killer (Dexter) or Winston Churchill (The Crown). Casting him was no error, and watching his new comedy is no trial. Meanwhile, yet another Marvel hit while force DC Comics to abandon live action and only make Lego superhero movies.
MUSIC
Big releases on March 17: Depeche Mode (Spirit); Spoon (Hot Thoughts)
Big picture: On their ninth album, Spoon still has us eating out of their rock and roll dish. Frontman Britt Daniel can pull of eccentric arena rock, indie pop, oddball ballads and dance-floor driving disco-funk (case and point, debut single Can I Sit Next To You) and somehow make it all come together like a complete musical meal. (Daniel recently lamented, “I wanted to be a musician, not a rock star.”
Too bad, buddy. Do you think Iron Fist wanted to be the forgettable fourth wheel of The Defenders; sometimes we must accept out destinies).
Meanwhile, the 14th studio album from English electronic powerhouse Depeche Mode tackles modern human society. Tracks include Fail and Where’s The Revolution?; topics include fake news, man-made environmental destruction, and humanity’s deevolution (so this isn’t one to play on road trips with the kids).
Honourable mention: Conor Oberst (Salutations); Paul Shaffer And The World’s Most Dangerous Band (self-titled). Salutations is the sequel to 2016’s Ruminations and includes pumped-up songs from that effort (with the help of fellow indie musicians such as M. Ward and Gillian Welch); the world may be doomed, but Bright Eyes himself is still daydreaming.
Canada’s Shaffer keeps the Letterman crew together for a studio album, which includes guest vocalists such as Bill Murray and Shaggy. (I hope Paul Shaffer And The World’s Most Dangerous Band also appear as a team of supervillains on The Defenders.)