Montreal Gazette

HIP REPLACEMEN­TS BECOMING HIP AS BABY BOOMERS AGE

Society is going to see a lot of changes as Canada’s dominant demographi­c gets older

- JOSH FREED Joshfreed4­9@gmail.com

Age is all the rage, according to the recent Canada Census.

It shows Canadians are aging faster than any time since Confederat­ion, with a 20 per cent jump in seniors — and 40 per cent more centenaria­ns.

Meanwhile, kids under 15 are practicall­y an endangered species, in need of protection. Experts warn of the coming impact on taxes and health care — but what about the social impact?

We boomers were all born at the same instant and do everything in herds, on the same schedule. We marry, raise kids, buy homes and divorce en masse, then all move downtown and eat gluten-free, garden-grown, organicall­y raised acai berry and wheat grass smoothies.

Our numbers have dominated music, food and other tastes since the ’60s. So what will happen when the baby boom becomes the senior boom? We’ll see:

Aging personal infrastruc­ture:

Like our crumbling roads and bridges, most of the baby boom was created 60 to 70 years ago. Our personal infrastruc­ture will all fall apart at the same time, as predictabl­y as gadgets just after the warranty expires.

What happens when 5,000,000 Canadian seniors are felled at the same time by lower back problems, joggers’ knees, golf shoulders and computer elbows?

Like our clogged constructi­on traffic, more Canadians will have clogged arteries, requiring bypass surgery and other infrastruc­ture work. Millions will need dental bridges, buttock buttressin­g, breast support work, hair restoratio­n and erectile dysfunctio­n reconstruc­tion.

If you think our hospitals are crowded now, wait until 400,000 Montrealer­s all need hip transplant­s the same year, in order to walk — and local news stories scream: “Montreal went into crisis this month as a quarter of the city’s population was confined to their homes — emptying stores, theatres and streets and leaving much of downtown deserted.

“The mayor has promised emergency action as soon as she leaves hospital, where she is recovering from a knee replacemen­t. Aging social trends: You can already see the aging boomer influence in society’s growing obsession with fighting off age. TV and a million websites offer endless anti-aging tips on how to live longer, better and ... well, “weller.”

Eat more kale, quinoa, walnuts and purple superfoods. Avoid alcohol — and don’t forget to walk 200,000 steps after drinking 28 glasses of water. How to live longer is becoming an obsession, even among the very young who’ve barely lived at all.

As for you, grandma, don’t even think about putting your feet up on that rocking chair, like your grandmothe­r did at the same age. Instead, lift weights! Play tennis! Start jogging! Study a new language, do crosswords and take up juggling to keep your brain young!

Seventy is sexy, so it’s time to divorce your husband and shack up with him instead.

As boomers become older and older, where will it lead in another decade? The cycling craze will be out and electric bikes and motorized three-wheelers will be in. Doubles tennis will be replaced by quadruples tennis — with four people on each side so you don’t have to run at all.

Ditto for 10-person Ping-Pong and 40-person beach volleyball — at least until newly invented exercise pills start replacing sports altogether, so that no one ever risks getting injured. The hot new Olympic sports of the future will be speed-quilting, extreme gardening and blindfold Sudoku.

Health Canada will enforce a nationwide nap time when everyone must be quiet; 5 to 7 p.m. will be “nap hour” instead of “happy hour” — in a new quiet revolution.

Senior voting power:

Seniors vote in much greater numbers than the young and the older they get the more they’ll vote — for their own priorities. They’ll extend the work age to 90, while collecting their pensions at 51.

They’ll expand Medicare to cover pedicures, hot tubs, massages and holistic, ylang-ylang aromathera­py to clear our blocked chi.

Fast-emptying school playground­s will be converted to elderparks, with swings replaced by La-Z-Boys and monkey bars by juice bars. Crime will fall dramatical­ly, along with a generation of muggers on walkers.

Between our elderly population and our birth dearth, working people under 60 will pay 80 per cent tax rates, and still be living in their parents’ basement. Sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll will be replaced by sleep drugs and rocking chairs.

Fashions will age, too, once longevity drugs keep many people healthy well past 110. After failing in their fight to look “Forever Young,” 100-year-old boomers will finally give up and embrace a new, old look.

Dyed grey hair will be the rage along with wrinkle-enhancemen­t surgery for that lived-in look. Canes will be very stylish, as will driverless walkers. Many centenaria­ns will return to live in ’60s-style communes, where they can legally smoke pot and blow their minds — or whatever’s left of them.

As lifespans keep rising and birthrates drop, being old will be cooler than being young. The mantra of the times will be “Forever Old.”

Fast-emptying school playground­s will be converted to elderparks, with swings replaced by La-Z-Boys and monkey bars by juice bars.

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