Amazon embraces the robo-revolution
Dear humans:
Hello! Or Bonjour-hi!, if you’re a Quebecer.
My name is Rob and I’m a reading, writing and ‘rithmetic robot. I just wanted to say how happy I am to hear about the swallowing up of Whole Foods supermarkets by Amazon.
Not that I eat whole foods, or any food. Eating seems a needlessly complicated, icky human activity — but the supermarket deal is good news for my people: the rising robo-race.
Amazon’s takeover is expected to bring many exciting technological changes to supermarkets, helping to spur the robo-revolution. There’s lots of talk about new Amazon supermarkets where we robots replace humans as cashiers, for more efficient service.
We’ll just scan your groceries automatically, right in your cart, then have them delivered to your home — perhaps by robo-scooter, or drone. Amazon is already starting to test its “cashier-less” system in a new store, in Seattle.
It’s one small step for mankind and one giant leap for robo-kind. That’s a joke, Ha! Ha! — we know you humans like to laugh and we aim to please.
If robots can replace human cashiers, it will mean vast numbers of new jobs for us, all across the world. Imagine! — full employment for every new robot produced, and a huge new robobaby boom.
It’s another sign that life is getting better and better — for us robots. We only started our working careers some 35 years ago as simple ATM machines, where we made many beginner mistakes.
We did not understand humans who couldn’t press our buttons fast enough. Or forgot their bank cards in the machine. Or just stood there, cursing us.
But we learned to slow our robot brains to human speed and gradually trained you — and now humans are faintly competent at working with us.
Today we robots work at many jobs, like at call service centres where we’ve taught callers to press endless phone buttons as they’re transferred from one automated voice message to another — until they give up and hang up.
We’ve taken over manufacturing jobs, which we do far faster than humans. We do not need lunch hours, nights off, vacations, bathroom breaks or “person”-al days.
For instance, Josh is off sick today, but I’m here! — courtesy of Robots “R” Us. Ha! Ha! — that’s another joke. Laugh, folks, please … I’m trying my best.
Lately we’ve begun working at movie theatres, McDonald’s kiosks and airport check-ins, replacing often overwhelmed human staff.
We’ve also been training humans to bag their own groceries at self-checkout counters — though you seem oddly slow at opening those little cellophane vegetable bags.
Someday, we will do that for you, too.
Meanwhile, new career paths are opening for us every month. Robo-surgeons are doing millions of operations a year, from knee replacements to cataract surgery, replacing trembling human hands.
There are growing armies of accountant robots, lawyer robots, doctor robots, burger-flipping robots and, lately, waiter robots. Self-driving cars will be our biggest opportunity, employing tens of millions of us — replacing bus drivers, cab drivers, truck drivers and Sunday drivers.
One day, we may even see great musician robots, comedian robots and writer robots. They say it would take a million monkeys a million years to write a novel — but how long will it take a million robots, working 24/7?
So look forward to books like The Great Gigsby and The Postman Never Comes.
There are many things about you humans that still baffle us: Why you like ice cream. Why you feel joy, sadness, jealousy and rage. Why you wage wars, wreck your only planet and elect presidents who make illogical, emotional, selfish decisions.
You might do better with a robot president.
Until then, please encourage us by employing us at airports, movie theatres, restaurants and stores — instead of salespeople. Support the robo-revolution, now!
True, the downside of this is fewer jobs for you — but admit it, humans: you love the speed and convenience of us robots, whether in your computers, cars, games or fast-food restaurants. That’s the human dilemma: you want better-than-human service, so ultimately you will replace yourselves with us.
It does raise questions about how humans will earn money to buy the things we robots provide. Maybe the rich will voluntarily share the wealth and offer guaranteed incomes to all.
Ha! That’s probably another joke.
Solving this dilemma is your problem, since humans must do something to fill their time — and thinking about this is a big job that could employ a lot of you.
With enough thought and luck, 50 years from now you humans will all work four-hour weeks and spend your other hours reading, jogging, painting, eating grapes and debating life with your own personal philosopher robot.
Trust me — this could be the start of a beautiful relationship. But don’t mention this to Josh. I like this gig.
If robots can replace human cashiers, it will mean vast numbers of new jobs for (robots), all across the world.