Estrangement hurts ex-daughter-in-law
Dear Annie: I was married to a man for 15 years and grew very close to his parents. I developed a particularly close relationship with his mom. After my husband and I divorced, I remained close to her, which I was happy to do, especially because she is my son’s grandmother.
My son and I continued to have a close relationship with my mother-in-law until five years ago. She had sent my son $50 for a birthday, and my son, being a teenager, took his time sending her a thank-you note. He eventually did send her a card, but not before she had contacted us to ask whether he had received the money.
Ever since, she has stopped all communications with both of us, despite my repeated attempts to stay in touch. She has moved to another state and does not use a computer, so I have relied on sending cards on her birthday and other holidays.
I accepted her behaviour as her way of telling us how disappointed she was in my son’s lack of immediate appreciation. However, my son recently got married, and I was hurt, mostly for my son. It would have been nice if she could have acknowledged this very special occasion.
I am not expecting any kind of reconciliation. However, if she happens to see herself in this letter, I hope she knows she is missed.
Dear Wishing: Your mother-inlaw made Kilimanjaro out of a molehill. A teenager’s taking a month to send a thank you is no reason to disown him. She could have simply done what many other frustrated grandparents have done in her situation: stopped sending gifts. Her reaction suggests a deeper unhappiness in her life.
The kind, sweet mother-inlaw whom you grew to love might no longer be available, for reasons you may never know. We can’t control others’ behaviour. We can only control our responses to it. You’ve responded with grace and I commend you for that.
Dear Annie: I’d like to suggest a compromise for No Mess, Please, the woman who doesn’t want to vacation with her long-term boyfriend’s messy son and family: They could get separate living quarters. They could get condos in the same building or adjacent cottages or cabins, etc. It’s a great solution that wouldn’t put No Mess in the “mean girlfriend” role, and it would allow everyone to be comfortable in filth or tidiness.
Dear A Reader in Roanoke: If this is something “No Mess” and her boyfriend can afford, then I think it’s a great solution. A little space can go a long way toward helping people better appreciate the time they spend together.