Daughter has questions about open adoption
Dear Annie: I am a proud mother of two loving, bright and beautiful young children, ages four and six. They were both adopted, and I was fortunate enough to hold them within hours of their births. I am completely their mother. I regularly read my children stories in which adoption plays a prevalent role so that they will understand it and be comfortable with it; I won’t ever hide this from them. However, the different adoption laws out there have created an interesting dilemma.
The birth mother of my sixyear-old daughter requested a completely closed adoption. There can be no contact from either side, and she made very clear that she wants no part in this, which I respect. The birth mother of my youngest wants contact with her son — and she kept her first-born. So my son sees his biological mother and brother twice a year. Now my little girl’s wondering why she does not have another “family” that wants her. How do you suggest I handle this situation? — Anxious Adopter
Dear Adopter: It’s wonderful that you’ve honoured your son’s birth mother’s wishes, but you might want to consider these visits in the long run. Are they good for your son? Do they confuse him? They have apparently already confused your daughter.
Open adoptions work for some families. But others find it overwhelming for the kids. Many families have degrees of openness — for example, meeting a few times when the child is an infant or toddler and then keeping in touch by email and pictures for a few years. It gives everyone peace of mind and allows people to move forward with their lives.
Decide what is best for your family. Remember that you are in charge. Adoptive parents have legal, moral and every other type of authority. And do not let feelings of sympathy or guilt cloud your judgment. Your children’s best interests must come first. You’re in this for a lifetime. Dear Annie: My son’s wife is a hypochondriac and has been since I met her 10 years ago. She even had elective surgeries, which did not go well. However, she is now projecting ailments upon my son. He was a healthy man until she found reasons for him to have surgeries. Should I warn my son? — Ongoing Unhappiness
Dear Ongoing: You can express your concern to your son and encourage him to get the opinions of a few doctors before making such a major decision — but only tell him once. Anything more would be intrusive and likely to push him away.