Fear not a good excuse for lying about infidelity

Dear Annie: My cousin “Jake” married our mutual friend “Barb” over 20 years ago. He cheated on her often during the first 10 years of their marriage. I knew, and so did a few other people in the family. But I couldn’t tell her because I would have been ostracized from my family members for, in their eyes, going behind Jake’s back.

Jake and Barb are now divorcing for other reasons, including his alcoholism and abusive behaviour. She has heard rumours about his past cheating and thinks it would help her divorce case. Should it confirm it for her? Or would that turn her against me for not telling her 20 years ago? My mom went through something similar with my father a few years ago. The anger and hurt my mom and I experienced over that has made me more sympathetic to Barb, and I’m no longer worried about being loyal to Jake.

— I Hate Cheaters and Family Secrets

Dear I Hate Cheaters and

Family Secrets: I would encourage her to speak with her lawyer about whether or not she could actually use her husband’s infidelity as support for her case. She’d most likely need evidence, such as a photograph or email exchange, and because this was over 10 years ago, that might pose a challenge for her. Even if she can’t use it in her case, if she’s directly asked you about his infidelity, you have a moral imperative to tell her the truth. She may be angry that you didn’t tell her sooner, but fear isn’t a good excuse to continue lying.

Be sure that any disclosure you make comes from a place of love, not vengeance. That means your motivation should be to help Barb, not hurt Jake, your dad or cheaters in general.

Dear Annie: I was pressured highly by my family to home-school my son. I knew I would be a bad fit, but I gave in to the pressure. I was correct in my assessment, and my son and I had a terrible year. It wasn’t that I disagreed with home-schooling. But I go to great lengths to give my children what is best for them, and I just knew I was not capable of giving them the best education.

Also, home-schooling kids with difficult behavioural problems is very tricky.

— Been There

Dear Been There: Thank you for sharing your experience. The decision of whether to home-school children is indeed a highly personal one. I encourage parents to think long and hard about what’s best for their children and to resist peer pressure from friends or relatives either way. Every family is unique.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.