A BOOK OF LIFE
Arden’s memoir details mother’s declining health
Fans of Jann Arden know when she starts to talk in a slightly nasal voice — a voice you’d expect Lily Tomlin or Tracey Ullman to use for a lovable but wacky aunt character — she is going to relay something funny her mother has said.
Over the years, the multi-platinum singer-songwriter’s parents, especially her mother, have been part of her on stage banter. These days, though, the narrative has changed.
Arden’s father Derrel Richards died two years ago and her mother Joan Richards, 81, has Alzheimer’s disease. According to Statistics Canada, close to 600,000 Canadians are dealing with dementia, the umbrella illness Alzheimer falls under.
“The Alzheimer’s has twisted around a lot of the stories for the past three or four years,” said Arden from Winnipeg.
“My dad passed away a couple of years ago, but I still talk about him all the time because my parents were so funny together.”
Now Arden has mined her mother and her relationship for the new memoir Feeding My Mother: Comfort and Laughter in the Kitchen as My Mom Lives With Memory Loss.
As Arden says in the book, Joan Richards’ memory loss became noticeable about eight years ago as her father’s health (he had diabetes and dementia) began to falter. The Calgary native detailed her parents’ declining health on social media.
Arden’s reality resonated with her fans and soon she was seeing big numbers for her posts.
Those posts and musings have now been massaged and expanded into Feeding My Mother.
The Random House Canada book out now is made up of journal entries, recipes and family photos.
“It really is a day-to-day glimpse, snapshot, of where this kind of started and where I am now,” said Arden.
“It’s a wacky book, I know that. It’s a very strange book, but for whatever reason it works.”
The book is a kind, sad and funny look at a daughter becoming a parent to parents.
It makes you feel like you’re sitting at Arden’s kitchen table listening while Arden and her mom talk about dog hair, old cats, pushy squirrels and what happened 10 minutes ago.
The eight-time Juno winner is currently on the road with a combined book and symphony performance tour.
She’s also developing a sitcom “loosely based” on her life for CTV.
When she’s not on the road, Arden is at her rural home outside of Calgary.
Her mother is still at home, with 24-hour care, in the house she shared with her husband that’s about 100 metres from Arden’s home.
“The irony is they moved out there to watch over me, because I was on the road so much,” said Arden.
Then the roles reversed and Arden was doing the watching over.
“It started out cooking for them once a week.
“Then every night seven days a week, then lunches and breakfast started, and I thought holy s---!” said Arden.
Food became a key ingredient in the relationship with Arden and her parents, so she includes some recipes in the book. Getting the recipes to the page required professional help with translating Arden’s culinary creativity.
“It’s just stuff I cook time and time again.
“I have so many kicking around,” Arden said. “The funny part is when they (editors) asked me about the recipes I said, ‘I have nothing written down.’ They asked how do I cook then? So my friend (cookbook author) Julie Van Rosendaal who is an amazing recipe, food person, cook, helped me put it together.”
Arden, who won’t be home until the third week in December, says leaving these days is difficult as her mother’s condition worsens. “My mom is swiftly going down the mountain. It’s heartbreaking, but I am always going to do what is best for Mom.”
Arden expects this year will be the last year for her mother to be at home. She says she’s preparing herself for the guilt that will follow once Richards is in a care facility, but adds that she’ll gain some respite from the anxiety of thinking like her mother.
“I can hear her, so I try and let that guide me a lot. She would have been mad about this. She would have been mad about the money I am spending. She would have told me to do it (move her into facility) two years ago,” said Arden switching once again into that mother’s voice.
“Well, you’re just crazy. I would have been completely fine.”
Arden is part of a growing number of Canadians keeping aging parents at home as long as they can. She says the experience has changed her in positive ways.
“I think I am a lot more resilient. I think you really think about your humanity a lot. You think about your imperfections a lot, but you also realize this is a shared experience. There are millions of people going through this with me,” said Arden.
“I don’t feel as isolated about it anymore.”
While dealing with the stress of her mother’s declining health and a career in full flight, Arden says she manages to stay cool by remembering what kinds of people her parents were.
“I try not to be too precious about it all. I just carry on. My mom was very economical so was my dad.
“They weren’t precious they weren’t always thinking about themselves,” said Arden.
“I said to my mom, ‘Did you have anxiety attacks when you were a kid?’ She said, ‘No, we weren’t thinking about how we felt every second of the day. We had to work in the goddamn fields.’ So that always resonated with me.”
It’s a wacky book, I know that. It’s a very strange book, but for whatever reason it works.