When to say you’re SORRY
Apologies work both ways with parents and children
When a fellow parent told me he believed parents should never apologize to their kids, I wasn’t sure how to respond.
“We’re the adults, and adults don’t owe children apologies,” he said. He believed that, regardless of his mistake, no apology was necessary. Ever.
But I make a point of apologizing to my children, to demonstrate that we all make mistakes. And when we do, a sincere apology is necessary.
The exchange made me question that decision.
Should I always apologize to my children? Or should apologies only be given in certain circumstances? And am I apologizing correctly?
I spoke with several experts who believe that, yes, it’s important to apologize to your children. But how and when you do it depends on the situation and the age of the child. “At any age, you want to model behaviour you’d like your children to display to other children and adults,” says social worker Julia Colangelo.
SITUATIONS THAT CALL FOR AN APOLOGY
We’ve all yelled at our children. We’ve hurt their feelings. We’ve accidentally broken a toy. These things merit apologies, even to toddlers.
According to social worker Lynn Zakeri, parents should use an apology as a learning opportunity. If we word the apology correctly, each mistake we make can teach children how to take responsibility.
“Explain that you were late for pickup because you didn’t plan for bad traffic, not because traffic was bad,” Zakeri says. “Or, you broke their toy vacuuming because you weren’t looking where you were going, not because it was in your way. Instead of providing an excuse, these apologies explain how the situation occurred and that you did not intentionally hurt their feelings.”
But what about the times when we lose our patience and our temper?
“I haven’t met a mom yet who hasn’t yelled at (her) kid when she was stressed out and running late,” Zakeri says. “But it’s not the kid’s fault. Once everyone is in the car, the mom should apologize. She could say, ‘I’m sorry that I was kind of hard on you this morning. I was stressed. It’s important that I get to this meeting on time. I’ll work harder to not yell next time.’”
Reinforcing a range of emotions after an apology is helpful for children. However, this discussion can be challenging for many parents, Colangelo says. If parents are uncomfortable talking about their feelings, they can practise with a friend or spouse, or write them down and reflect upon them. For children, she uses a “feelings sheet” — a paper with faces demonstrating 25 emotions. Kids can point to a face to show how they feel, to help parents begin the conversation. For teenagers, acknowledging their feelings is an essential part of the apology, but parents should keep it short, says Amy McManus, a therapist in Los Angeles who often works with parents and teenagers.
MAJOR LIFE EVENTS
A new baby, a divorce, a big move — not all life events are wellreceived by children. When they are angry because of our decisions, should we apologize?
No. This was a choice you made for the betterment of your family, and an apology isn’t necessary. However, parents should acknowledge the child’s feelings and provide an opportunity to process each one.
WHEN IT’S OUT OF YOUR CONTROL
Several years ago, a therapist told me never to apologize for someone else’s bad behaviour, so I don’t say I’m sorry or make excuses for someone who upset my children.
That advice was spot-on: Apologies are reserved for things you’ve done wrong. If your child didn’t make the team, or a friend has upset them, your role is to provide empathy, not an apology.
“It’s important to acknowledge their pain and suffering, not minimize it, but you don’t need to apologize for it,” Colangelo says.
“You can tell them that something like that happened to you and offer to share your story. It’s also a good time to teach or practise coping skills.”