Quest for longevity is getting old
Another day, another 1.2 days of my life gone.
Sigh. Once again, I’ve failed to keep up with the anti-aging regime I should follow, if I hope to live forever.
I sat at my desk for seven hours yesterday, drank just three glasses of water, ate a mere two vegetables, jogged zero kilometres and walked … I don’t even know how little, because I don’t use a step-counter.
I did sleep a remarkable 8.4 hours, but apparently that’s too much for ideal anti-aging benefits, according to a recent Finnish study. It found 7.46 hours a night is the “optimal duration” for wellness and longevity in males.
So, while I’m still alive, my days are clearly numbered.
As you may know, we humans die pretty frequently, although we don’t like it. But some people have been trying to live forever … forever
Wealthy ancient Romans drank the blood of young gladiators, medieval monks recommended wine mixed with flakes of gold and stag ’s heart. Mao Tse-tung sought out virgins to keep him young, while Faust traded his soul to the devil.
But nowadays, longevity is a big business, in our growing new age of extended old age. As the boomer generation gets older, the ’60s motto of “forever young ” is being replaced by “forever old.”
To extend our lives, we’re pushed to exercise 150 hours a week, eat 11 daily vegetables and drink eight glasses of water, though some longevity gurus recommend sipping water continuously.
We must sleep more, floss more, eat more plants, drink less alcohol — and sing in the shower, because studies show choir members live longer than average.
We must also laugh more. A Maryland study found 15 minutes of laughter a day can improve blood flow to the heart by 50 per cent — and add a few seconds to your life. So wipe that smile onto your face, now! That’s an order.
In addition, we must count our calories, heartbeats, grams of fat, fibre and flab. We must keep our BMI under 25 and our triglycerides under 150 mg/dl — whatever that means.
We must outrun the Grim Reaper by jogging 10K a day — literally running for our lives. In the words of author Barbara Ehrenreich, in her new book on aging: “We are killing ourselves to live longer.”
In the digital age we find safety in numbers. Whenever someone dies we immediately wonder what they were doing wrong that we are doing right.
Hey, did you hear that Ryan
■
Carbunkle just passed away?
Ohmigod — That’s terrible! He ■ ran 180K a week, his blood pressure was 110/70 and he only ate whole grains and kale-fortified smoothies.
And he was only 93! He should ■ have lasted till at least 97.
Hmmm. Could be the fact he
■ was single — plus, he wouldn’t give up processed cheese on his soy burgers.
In our brave new anti-aging age, some people go further
— and turn to extreme calorierestriction diets. They starve themselves to near-skeletons, hoping to stay alive long enough for science to find a cure to death.
It has been nicknamed The Hunger Gain diet, but it’s actually a secular version of old-time religion: suffering in this life to save yourself for the after-life.
Some Silicon Valley billionaires have even zanier plans for becoming immortals. When they die they will be frozen in liquid nitrogen in hope they can be re-animated someday — when science finds a cure for whatever killed them.
If you can’t afford to refrigerate yourself for a century, then consider becoming a Seventh-day Adventist, as they reportedly live several years longer.
If you don’t have the willpower for that, become a Democrat: the 13 U.S. states with the lowest life expectancy all leaned Republican in recent presidential elections. In fact, that may also be your best hope Trump doesn’t remain president until 2024, as his voters should die off.
Genes matter, too, so I’d strongly recommend that you choose your grandparents well.
Of course, the question beneath all these longevity plans is: Do we really want to live forever? Science has pushed our average age several years past our parents — and it was inspiring to see a 90-year-old woman I know cross-country skiing this winter.
But as the cult of “forever young ” advances, there’s talk of adding many decades and even centuries to our lifespans — and where would that leave the world?
Imagine a planet filled with 150-year-olds who hog all the jobs till 120, then demand 90-per-cent-off senior movie passes, as soon as they hit 130.
A world filled with cautious, injury-obsessed hypochondriacs who are always yakking about their great, great, great, great grandkids — or their upcoming surgery for their third head transplant.
No, thanks, I don’t want to be there when it happens. Meanwhile, if this whole idea just makes you laugh, you should thank me for adding a few seconds to your life.