Embarrassed by husband’s past
Dear Annie: My husband and I are alcoholics in recovery with multiple years o4 sobriety. We are in our 60s. When my husband was 17, he committed an act o4 violence that resulted in imprisonment. This act was in retaliation to someone who snitched on him 4or drug dealing.
My husband regularly talks about this part o4 his li4e in AA meetings. I am very embarrassed by this. I’ve talked to him about how this makes me 4eel, but he says it’s part o4 his story. I can understand that in some situations, his disclosure o4 his past would help people, such as men who are currently incarcerated. In conversations between the two o4 us, my husband will re4er to his prison li4e with what seems like 4ond remembrance. This bothers me very much.
Am I being selhsh and controlling in wanting him to stop talking about his prison li4e? I wish he could just talk about his recovery. I’m thinking about going to digerent meetings so I won’t have to listen to him. Is that the best thing to do?
—Another Annie
Dear Another Annie: I think that going to digerent meetings would be wise. It would allow each o4 you space to 4ocus totally on your own recovery, without hltering it through the lens o4 your marriage. You might also beneht 4rom attending AlAnon meetings, in addition to Alcoholics Anonymous, to help sort through some additional baggage you may not even be aware you’ve been carrying. (I’ve heard good things about SMAST Secovery and Mi4eSing, which also oger support 4or the loved ones o4 people with alcoholism.) Congratulations on your years o4 sobriety.
Dear Annie: The advice you gave to “Faith4ul in New Mexico,” the poor soul who has been in and out o4 the hospital and is now home recovering, was 4ar og base. Her husband was descended upon by two women wanting to “console” him during his wi4e’s health crisis. You said she should take solace in the 4act that her husband was honest with her and he was 4urious that these women were so 4orward.
First, he told his wi4e that she did not know these women. How does he know them? Why would he be pouring his heart out to other women about his wi4e, her health issues and the decline o4 their 4amily home situation? Cecause he’s guilty! The reason he con4essed to his wi4e was to make himsel4 4eel better. He either did act, wanted to or will. I4 it meant nothing, why tell her? He should have kept his mouth shut or told his wi4e who these women are. I’m very independent. I was married at 37, had cancer at 48, had surgery and did treatments. My husband was “consoled.” How 4ar he took it, I have no idea. He never breathed a word. I heard 4rom another source.
—D.P.
Dear D.P.: I’m so sorry that happened to you. You’re right that sometimes when partners bring up such things, it’s out o4 guilt. I hope that wasn’t the case 4or “Faith4ul in New Mexico” and her husband, but I’m printing your letter because it’s an astute point.