A call for more kindness
Dear Annie: Your response to “Not-a-Fan Auntie,” who does not want her niece and her family to attend her Halloween gatherings, did not seem thought through. She asked for a civil way to tell them they’re unwelcome, and you told her to tell them, “This is important quality time with the grandkids, and we’re going to keep it to just us and the kids next year.” When it comes to relatives, there is no civil way to tell them they’re unwelcome. It always causes hurt feelings, and if she were to take your advice, “Not-aFan Auntie” would most likely feel guiltier than anticipated. Letting kindness be her guide, it might be better for her to consider whether these people are lonely, they need family contact or they need a sense of belonging. There are a lot of lonely people in the world, and life is short, so let kindness and generosity be a guiding rule for living. That will never cause regret and is much easier to live with than feeling guilty over rejecting someone. The niece may be “outspoken and obnoxious,” but she has feelings and undoubtedly would be hurt for a long time to come if “Not-a-Fan Auntie” were to follow your advice. —Apply the Golden Rule in Temple, Texas
Dear Apply the Golden Rule: I’m printing your letter because you make good points. I agree that one will never regret being too kind. The following letter echoes your sentiment and provides some tips that might help “Not-a-Fan Auntie” talk to her niece about some of her grating behaviours.
Dear Annie: I don’t think the aunt should tell her niece she isn’t welcome during Halloween gatherings. Could she please open her heart? She could take her niece aside and kindly try to let her know it would be nice if she tried to fit in more. And the aunt should talk with her niece about her hygiene in a kindly manner. She may not realize her flaws. She obviously feels a draw toward her aunt. It breaks my heart that she seems to want to be part of a family but is unwelcome. This aunt should be flattered she wants to be included. —Aunt Who Understands in Jacksonville, Fla.
Dear Aunt Who Understands: You weren’t the only one who felt I was too quick to write off the niece. Perhaps some more mercy is called for. Thank you for setting me straight on that one. Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favourite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.