Daughter regrets hate

Dear Annie: I was mean to, belligerent toward and critical of my mother. It started long before I was a teenager, but it definitely got worse during those years. I thought I hated her. Later, when she became desperately ill, I realized my love for her. I prayed that she would live and she did get well.

My father was not successful, but she supported him in pursuing his profession. She put him on a pedestal. Because of her, I adored him.

I have a lot of guilt for not recognizing my mother’s role in the family. I have written about her strengths and think she loved me in spite of my behaviour, but I don’t know how to let go of the guilt and regret.

Dear Hateful Daughter: Your love is evident. If your mother is no longer here, you can cherish her memory by being kinder to her daughter. Redirect your regret into personal progress. And seriously consider therapy to help find the strength to forgive yourself. From what you say of your mother, it’s what she would want for you.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been together for 30 years and are in our 50s. About five years ago, our friends’ daughter, “Michelle,” started hanging out at our house. She is about 30 years old. Out of nowhere, my husband decided that he wanted to help her by giving her a job with his construction company. He asked me what I thought, and I said no. He said that he wouldn’t give her a job since I didn’t approve then he went behind my back and hired her anyway and kept it a secret. I found out because she called the house wanting to know why he was late for work. We had major fights, especially after I found out that he was seeing her after work. He said no sex was involved.

Finally, I got her out of our lives, but I cannot get over his betrayal and the way he lied to me so he could see her. After that, I found him on online dating sites. I left him for two months, and he begged me to come home. I did. But I cannot forgive or forget. What should I do? — Betrayed

Dear Betrayed: Michelle didn’t cause your marriage’s trust issues, those already existed or you wouldn’t have tried to forbid him from hiring her, and her apparent departure doesn’t resolve them. That will require hard work on both your parts. I encourage you to seek marriage counselling. Perhaps it’s possible for couples to work past cheating without it, but why take that risk when there are perfectly good tools available?

If either of you refuses to try at least a few sessions, it could well be a dead-end. A marriage without trust is misery. And our days are too precious to give over to anger and bitterness.

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