Six ways COVID-19 will change how we interact
From cashless transactions to a wave and a nod, Montrealers will never be the same
Whew! The worst of COVID’S first wave has passed through Montreal, for now.
We’re gradually returning to our old lives, apart from staying away from each other like we had ... well, a bad flu.
But so much has changed in three short months it’s breathtaking. And we’re all wondering: Which changes are here for good?
Thankfully Guru Josh is gazing into his newly sanitized, Purell-powered crystal ball that’s guaranteed to be 80-per-cent right almost half the time.
So here are some POST-COVID predictions and suggestions for the future.
1
Cash
Forget that germ-ridden, crinkly stuff we once used to buy things. The credit card “tap” has become routine for everything from $100 supermarket orders to 99-cent dépanneur chocolate bars.
No one will be using filthy money again unless they’re having it … er, laundered.
The challenge now is how to give cash to panhandlers and squeegee kids who’ve literally been short-changed since COVID started.
It’s time for a government aid program that hands panhandlers their own Visa machines. That way, we can tap a tip through our car window, after they squeegee it.
2
Greetings will never be the same now that we’re scared to hug, handshake, cheek-kiss, fist bump, chest bump or high five.
No U.S. president will ever again shake the estimated 65,000 hands a year they did in the past. With luck the current president will depart after next November’s election — with a simple hand wave.
Expect many new experimental greetings, from the military salute to the Samoan “eyebrow flash.” Quebecers will learn to blow six-foot air kisses — while many wear masks full-time, partly to avoid germs and partly to avoid face-recognition.
3
Queues
Three years ago I made a film called “The Taming of the Queue” where I predicted “the end of the line” — as queues got replaced by modern technology.
Boy was I wrong! Instead, endless lineups now fill major streets queuing for everything from shoes to booze. But technology may yet rescue us.
Let’s learn from big Japanese sports events where people queue up for tickets the night before, then reserve their spot in line with a small sticker placed on the pavement.
When they return the next day, everyone politely honours it.
So expect an app that lets us place an online double of ourselves in line outside a Costco while we wait comfortably at home.
We’ll only show up in person when we’re near the door. Then whoever’s behind us online will politely let us in line.
4
Restaurants are poised to re-open in Montreal, with expanded outdoor terrasses permitted on sidewalks, parking lots and even many streets
This should let us safely eat outdoors all summer, but what happens when the weather turns cold in the fall? I predict we’ll extend our terrasse season by months by installing thousands of outdoor space heaters.
I’ve sat outside in -20 C in bustling terrasses in Sweden and Norway — warmed by blazing propane heaters and complimentary blankets.
Once our bars and restaurants install heaters, hardy Montrealers will drink and dine outside during COVID, even in blizzards. But given the virus it’ll be strictly BYOB: bring your own blanket.
5 Transit
Welcome to cycling summer as City Hall opens hundreds of kilometres of temporary bike paths — for those avoiding buses and subways.
Bravo! But between our new bike paths, walking corridors, overflowing sidewalk queues and new street terrasses, woe to anyone driving a car.
Yet ultimately this pandemic will likely do more for the scorned auto than the saintly bike. Mass transit use has plummeted everywhere and it may take years to lure back germleery commuters.
When winter arrives, many cyclists will want warmer wheels. Expect a mini-boom in new and used car sales, as families seek germ-free steel capsules where they can choose the passengers whose air they share.
Ride-sharing, home-sharing and joint-sharing will also plummet as “sharing” literally becomes a dirty word. And how appealing does Airbnb sound to you now?
Elsewhere, telemedicine will replace doctor checkups. You’ll Zoom over online to your physician who’ll instruct you to weigh yourself, then take your own pulse and draw your own blood.
Then you’ll take out a tongue depressor stick and lean your face into the screen as your doctor says: “Say AHHHH!”
6
Holidays
With travel on hold for the foreseeable future, anxious Canadian snowbirds are already asking: where can I flee next winter?
If warmer countries impose COVID quarantines, expect to see a vast exodus of Canadian “vacation refugees” being smuggled south in yachts, rowboats and canoes.
These new boat people will drift about the Caribbean, begging asylum anywhere from Canada’s cruel winter.
But coast guard patrols from Cuba, Costa Rica and other traditional refuges will shout through megaphones: “Canadians Go Home!”
By the time COVID finally vanishes for good, six-foot distancing will gradually have become the norm for generations of germaphobes who now associate affection with infection.
But just as it’s been all through this unpredictable disease, the distance will only make us all feel closer. joshfreed49@gmail.com