Reconnecting during quarantine

Dear Annie: My siblings and I were never close. In fact, my brother and I could have been considered “mortal enemies” as we grew up. Since our mother passed nine years ago, there has been little to no contact.

In the past few years since I retired, I have come to realize that a lot of the circumstances surrounding our upbringing did not encourage family unity.

I have wondered what can be done to bring us together, and have to tell you that circumstances surrounding COVID-19 have opened the door. We all live in different states now, and I have taken it upon myself to check in with family members, including nieces and nephews, on a weekly basis, asking how everyone is. I collect the responses, email my brother with their updates, and ask for his updates. He responds!

When it’s time to contact the others, I let them know what is going on with him. I don’t know where this will lead between my brother and me, but I feel encouraged. He is even talking about visiting and offers my daughter advice.

— Sigh of Relief

Dear Sign of Relief: Wow, just wow! You took a difficult time, with COVID -19, and turned it into a time for you and your brother to heal a strained relationship. You took this pandemic as an opportunity to open your heart and reach out to your brother.

That is to be applauded and encouraged. Thank you for sharing your letter, and I am hopeful that it motivates other people to do the same. Family — whether it is the one we are born into or the one we choose — is everything.

Dear Annie: My husband’s disabled cousin lives with us. I wouldn’t mind except he smokes cigarettes in his bedroom, which is essentially a mother-in-law space. The smell of smoke seeps out into the front yard, where I like to garden. I have asthma, and it makes me cough, so I have to leave, but more, it enrages me.

My husband finally gave me an ultimatum that I’m no longer allowed to complain about this. I spend so much time angry. I can’t afford a therapist. Is there a group to whom I can vent?

— Up In Smoke

Dear Up in Smoke: I’m not really what ultimatum your husband gave you, but it clearly is not working. You have asthma, and it is your house. You have every right to request that your husband’s cousin smoke elsewhere or that something is done to reduce the effect of the smoke. However, being angry isn’t going to help.

Find some compassion for your husband’s cousin. Instead of seeing him as a walking cigarette, see him as a person with flaws — and strengths. Focus on those strengths. The more compassion we have toward the people we live with, the more things will flow harmoniously.