52 years of heartache
Dear Annie: I’m heartbroken over an event that took place 52 years ago.
I dated a girl in high school for several years and was truly in love. After I graduated from high school in 1967, I asked her to marry me. She took my hand and said that she couldn’t because she was pregnant from her former boyfriend. I was shocked, hurt and destroyed from within. Naturally, we broke up, and we both moved on with our lives.
It bothered me more because of the fact that he was an addict and I believe he got her hooked on drugs, and she died at the age of 49.
I worked at the local hospital for many years. One day, upon my return from vacation, I was told that a woman in the ICU had been asking for me. Now, this was 32 years after our breakup. She remembered me and followed my career in medicine to know I worked there. She died a few days before I returned from vacation.
I found her grave today. It was a sad day. Why does this bother me so much? The cemetery had her obituary. In it, I found information about her life after me, including information on her two daughters. Should I contact them and get filled in on her life?
Dear Heartbroken: I am so sorry for your loss. It’s understandable that you are still upset about her death. While time is known to heal wounds, it does not mean we forget about people who were important to us growing up. Just because you both went on to love other people does not mean you didn’t stop caring about each other as friends. The fact she looked you up all those years later and knew where you worked shows that.
I can imagine being a drug addict and being married to one is a very lonely life. She probably remembered you from before her life was filled with addiction and wanted to say goodbye. Although it is sad you weren’t able to, you could connect to her through her daughters.
There is nothing wrong with reaching out to them and sharing memories. The main point to stress is this is not about romantic love but rather how you care deeply about her as a friend.
Dear Annie: I was raised by a very strict mother. I am now a middle-aged man.
Several years ago, out of the blue, my mother asked me if she had been too strict when I was young. I told her I thought she was. Do you think this was her way of apologizing?
Dear Strict Mother’s Son: It very well could be an apology. If that is something you are looking for, why not ask her? Also make a list of all the things she did right and that you love about her. It may encourage her to be open.