Christmas compromise is a game of COVID roulette
Welcome to LOTO-COVID Christmas, as Yuletide parties become our risky payoff for months of isolation, handwashing and hand-wringing.
I admit the spirit of Christmas isn't a big deal in our household, though people did their best to imbue it in me.
I went to school in Montreal `s Protestant School Board, where I had to learn all the Christmas hymns by heart, and I still find myself singing them during holiday season.
I often croon Silent Night, Away in a Manger or Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, but especially Angels We Have Heard On High.
Around Christmas, I can be heard belting out its soaring chorus in the shower: “Glo-o-oo-o-o-ria! ... in excelsis Deo.”
My parents also had me plop down on Santa's lap at Eaton's every year. But despite all that, I've never eaten a Christmas turkey unless invited over by others, which isn't going to happen this COVID year.
The traditional Jewish Christmas celebration has always been going to a movie, followed by a Chinese restaurant, where you often ran into others you grew up with.
But with theatres and restaurants both closed, there will be no COVID reward for me or other non-christians this holiday.
I confess that when I first heard Premier François Legault promise a four-day, 10-person, all-you-can-party Festival of Germs, I got as grumpy as The Grinch (even before we broke 1,400 daily new cases).
It brought back thoughts of old high school math problems:
“If 1,400 newly infected Quebecers all go to 10-person gatherings and each infects nine others — then all those infected move on to three more gatherings the following days, how long will it take to completely infect Quebec?”
But later in the week, Legault backtracked and limited everyone to a maximum of two gatherings, which sounds more manageable and less dangerous.
Perhaps that's a fair compromise between a viral blowout and a lonely Christmas for many.
That said, Legault's belief that everyone will agree to “voluntarily quarantine” themselves for seven days before and after Christmas is about as realistic as believing in Santa.
Christmas week is the busiest time of the year — when everyone's out getting gifts, turkeys and Yuletide grog. Are people supposed to buy their turkeys a week early, so the whole province gets food poisoning? Or shop only online and bankrupt local businesses?
What about Boxing Day? It's hard to social distance while shoving, as people mob the doors to be first inside for the Boxing Day Super-spreader Sale.
Frankly, crowded Christmas queues are exactly what our beleaguered stores most need to stay alive, but also a reminder we can't have it all ways during COVID.
Just as you can't go to a Christmas party and then visit Grandma two days later without risking her life.
I suspect the people who will dutifully quarantine an entire week are those already nervously staying home, like seniors in care homes. So the only people quarantining will be those already quarantining.
In fairness to Quebec's decision, England has just announced a Christmas Germfest Extravaganza with five days of unlimited partying permitted between three “bubbles” of families of any size at all.
Guests are even allowed to hug and kiss under the mistletoe, but that's only because the usually reserved British don't do that anyway. Meanwhile the U.S. is again acting as canary in the coal mine by running a pre-christmas test Thanksgiving Germfest. Millions of people are now travelling across America trying to see if they can give others the Gift of COVID.
And would someone pass the gingerbread and germs, please.
Meanwhile, Canada's government has taken a separate position from Quebec's, urging us to celebrate with our own households only. So it's up to you whether to play by Canadian or Quebec rules.
The western provinces and Ontario will probably replace home gatherings with Zoom ones. But some of those provinces have been merrily gathering for months, while Quebec was in virtual lockdown.
That's why Alberta has taken our place as the Canadian COVID champion, with almost twice our daily new cases per capita.
I know it has been a long, tough stretch for many Quebecers, especially those living alone. So people deserve some celebratory Christmas cheer, as long as our situation remains manageable.
But after closing museums, libraries, gyms, theatres and movies for months, should we really blow our winnings on 10-person gatherings in a million homes — most with far fewer safety measures than the restaurants we've closed?
Until Christmas, we'll all watch the province's new case counts more closely than our weight. If that number keeps rising Père Legault might have to turn Grinch and cancel the party.
Otherwise, those throwing large gatherings, please remember: Tis the season to be jolly, but be jolly careful too — and don't share any infected indoor Christmas carols with your visitors.
As for me, come Christmas Eve I'll just order some Chinese takeout and watch It's a Wonderful Life for the 10,000th time.
Then I'll head to the shower alone to sing another chorus of “Glo-o-o-o-o-o-ria!”