Boring politics are a welcome relief
I practically slept through President Joe Biden's inaugural speech Wednesday, the first time in four years a presidential talk hasn't given me a near aneurysm.
The speech was heartfelt and filled with traditional clichés about democracy, decency, unity, truth and the “goodness” of American people.
As I listened I gradually relaxed, then got bored and dozed off, thinking: “How wonderful! There is beauty in boredom.”
In fact, there's already a fast-growing U.S. movement with Maga-style hats emblazoned, “MAKE AMERICA BORING AGAIN.”
The Chinese allegedly curse their enemies by saying “may you live in interesting times” — and between Trump and COVID -19, we've sure been doing that.
In fact, I'm looking forward to living in uninteresting times again someday.
I've always believed politics should be boring so you can ignore it and get on with your life. The big problem now is that with COVID, we don't really have lives to get on with anymore.
Trump was a horrible, but undeniable, COVID distraction. His tweets, insults, lies, boasts, threats, rages, rants, race-baiting and other outbursts were an ugly, addictive drug that distracted us from the pandemic, even while his policies made it worse.
It was like putting a pyromaniac in charge of the firehouse and anxiously watching to see if he'd burn it down.
Yet while I'm ecstatic to see Trump gone, losing him will be one less distraction as smilin', no-whinin', no-lyin' Biden may simply add to our growing COVID ennui.
Because boredom is the growing mood of 2021.
I'm not someone who normally gets bored, as there's always something around you can find to do — only nowadays there isn't.
At COVID'S start, its limited new lifestyle offered us all fresh possibilities: to write the Great Novel, read the Great Books, compose our first symphony, or just master Mandarin.
But few of us have done any of that and as winter drags on life's getting harder and more tedious. Like most people, I miss other people, dinner gatherings, parties, travelling, restaurants, bars and evenings out.
With the 8 p.m. curfew you can't even go out at night to peer into the window of your favourite restaurant that's closed.
Life's become a slow, repetitive routine that has me frequently looking at my watch and thinking: “Geez — is it only 3:30? I wish it would get later faster so I'd feel OK about watching Netflix again.”
I ration my TV like liquor now — no imbibing allowed before 7 p.m.
Last week, Montrealers got excited to see our first real blizzard and rushed out enthusiastically to build armies of snowmen, perhaps 100 in my park alone.
But how many snowmen can you build? I try to take a walk, or cycle each day, but dressing in 21 items now takes so long that's getting boring, too.
After months of lockdowns, teenage computer junkies are bored of staring at screens. Millennials are bored of dating on endless walks, no touching allowed, like 19th-century courtships.
Crossword buffs are bored with clues, Scrabble fanatics bored with boards, cat-owners are bored of playing tick-tack-toe with kitty — and vice versa.
The most daring adventure in most peoples' week is a dash to the dépanneur — or Costco, the busiest place in town.
The latest lockdown started two weeks ago, but it feels like two months. In fact, at the end of this supposed “28-day” lockdown, if the government simply announces we can go for haircuts, I'm going to celebrate.
On Haircut Freedom Day, I'll book two haircuts, maybe three — just for the thrill.
Like everyone, I phone or Zoom people to catch up, but there's nothing to catch up on anymore because no one's doing anything, or going anywhere.
So conversation is the usual COVID sandwich: you talk virus several minutes, then switch to which books and TV shows you're into, then talk virus again — before saying goodbye.
There are endless jokes about our boring new routine like: “How should I dress up for Tuesday's big evening out — it's garbage night!”
There are tips on how to recreate your old social life, like: “Put a different liquor bottle in every room of your house, then spend the night bar hopping.”
A 1974 Fugs tune with multilingual lyrics now seems prescient:
“Monday nothing, Tuesday nothing,
Wednesday nothing ... nada … gornisht.”
Boredom is probably an ageold human state going back tens of millenniums to when Neanderthals first drew X-O-X'S on cave walls. There are countless studies of boredom that examine people watching paint dry, or grass grow, or waiting on the telephone on hold.
But now we are all part of a giant global boredom study and U.S. politics will only add to it now that things in Washington are sane again.
Life could be worse. The virus certainly isn't boring for nurses, doctors and other health care workers — just exhausting.
And let's pray the fast-spreading new virus strain loses the race against our tortoise-slow Canadian vaccinations.
Anyway, it's a quarter to six, almost Netflix time …
Yawn. I guess I'll just watch the clock tick.