Huge weight loss from a dongle

The wooden support beams in our house are thanking me for my immense weight loss program. My doctors will be amazed, fitness gurus will shake their heads in disbelief and certainly the phone will ring asking for my secret to success. Was it a pill, a freeze pack belt worn 24/7, a surgical procedure, special foods — inquiring minds will want answers. My weight loss during the week of Oct. 19-25: A mere 771.4 lbs — that’s pounds, not kilograms, not grams, not tons or tonnes, but pounds. What’s going on in our house? one might ask. Housemate recently presented me with a new techno gizmo, a leather strap fitted with computer genius that tells me how many steps walked, how many floors climbed, records heart rate, gives sleep information, notes calories burned and best of all, provides weight change data. This bracelet came to our attention one day recently when a new friend told us all the capabilities of the band she was wearing, including the ability to track her sleep patterns. I asked if it could interpret dreams and she wasn’t sure. From that conversation came the gift a few weeks later. I looked at it with skepticism and dismay, especially when I had trouble reading the fine print of the tiny instruction book and couldn’t figure out what to do with one of the essential parts, it being called a “dongle” A Google dictionary advised that a dongle is a small device able to be connected to and used with a computer, especially to allow access to wireless broadband or protected software. Now I know so much more! After inserting the dongle I was able to go to what is called the dashboard where I registered my bracelet with some unseen computer chip somewhere and provided information that I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone, let alone virtual strangers, to know. After wearing the thing for a week, I got the results of my life for those seven days. I walked 18,202 steps which translated to a distance of 7.33 miles. I climbed six floors, burned 20,046 calories, slept an average of seven hours and 50 minutes, took an average of one hour and 34 minutes to fall asleep AND experienced a weight loss of 771.4 pounds. Housemate was curious when he heard my hysterical laughter, likely thinking I was having an emotional breakdown. He was only slightly impressed with the other recorded activity levels, but when it came to the weight change data, he too hooted loudly, expressing at the same time, a concern that my gift wasn’t working up to expectations. One week later I got updated results for another seven days and learned that it hadn’t recorded any sleep patterns and disappointingly, absolutely no further weight loss. It told me I had walked fewer steps than the week before but had climbed more stairs. My most inactive day of that period was Nov. 1. I dispute that detail, but who should I call to complain? Will I continue to wear this gizmo? Sure, because, after all, it does have an accurate time-telling component and because I do strive to walk as much as possible, this will be an incentive to get those boots a’walking. I will continue to climb stairs although it doesn’t register most trips I make up and down to our basement but it did note a stair-climb when I walked up an outdoor incline. But I still can’t figure out the weight loss calculation — perhaps there’s a ding dong in the “dongle” — or maybe I just have too much natural electricity in my wrist. Walk on, just walk on.

Joyce Walter can be reached at ronjoy@sasktel.net