DEATH BY SCOTCH MINT

This tongue-in-cheek account of a candycoated brush with death will bring a smile your face!

We always had scotch mints in the car when I was a kid. Dad would reverentially bestow one upon each passenger. Seeing a bag at the gas station recently sparked the memory and purchase. Driving home from visiting my dad at his Tillsonburg, Ont., nursing home, I popped one in my mouth. Ah, the circle of life.

They are a little larger than a marble and a little harder than titanium. You have to suck on one quite a while even though every instinct tells you to crack it open with your new crown. Eventually, it becomes chewable and then the gummy innards adhere to your teeth until journey’s end, or forever.

This time was different. As I changed lanes on Highway 401, this scotch mint migrated to the very back of my mouth, and teetered on the edge of my gullet like a Tiger Woods’ putt.

I too hung in the balance, unsure if I could cough it back under control. Would the attempt make me choke, or should I just swallow it?

It was then that I wished I knew more about human anatomy, specifically mine. How wide is an esophagus, anyway? Would I have enough time before blacking out to pull off the highway and record a will on my cellphone? If it didn’t block my airway immediately, do esophaguses narrow and is my asphyxiation merely delayed?

It dropped hard and huge down my throat. A minty tightness quickly took hold in my chest. I mutated into a fully distracted driver, thoughts centred solely on tracing the route of this potentially lethal treat.

I was still breathing. What is the transit time of a scotch mint? Fruit is two hours. I quaffed the entire contents of my water bottle, perhaps hot tea would have been better suited to dissolution. Burping frequently, I reached home, circle of life still intact.

The white, round rock seems to be lodged adjacent to my breastbone. Unsure if it is planning a side trip to an artery, I have recorded my will. I have decided to bequeath my remaining scotch mints to fellow travellers who have halitosis, and who like to live on the edge. n