Funny Stuff

BEWARE OF FROG

I do not have a guard dog. Why? Well, first of all, to avoid expensive legal matters, such a dog must be trained not to attack and eat intruders. Said dog should also be kept in a secure, fenced area for obvious reasons. Naturally, a fenceless property would require the dog to be tethered and remain outdoors with a large, sturdy kennel completely furnished with cozy, comfortable sleeping quarters, dining area and a large warning sign stapled above the door, proclaiming in large, red letters— BEWARE OF GUARD DOG! ln colder weather, naturally, the dog would prefer to be repositioned to the interior of the house, off duty as it were.

Then, of course, there is the frightening growling and barking anytime the property is approached; commendable though it is as an advisement to others to proceed within this area with extreme caution, undue or incessant clamouring by the dog may lead to complaints, or worse.

The guard dog must additionally be furnished with numerous bags of costly, up-to-date dog food and nutrition supplies simply to help keep the pooch reasonably strong, happy and content. Which brings me to the crux of the matter. Yes, my unsung, evervigilant “guard frog.”

It resides at the end of our driveway—an old, large and cranky concrete frog, sitting perfectly still, keeping an eye on what’s happening in the vicinity. lt does not bark, nor does it growl. Its menacing, stony stare keeps unfriendly intruders at bay.

There is no need to supply the frog with expensive chow and it is content to simply remain idle in the fresh air, hot sun or blinding snow. Also, it is extremely satisfying to know that it does not require a bathroom of any sort. I seriously suspect the oxygen in the air simply dissipates all unpleasant odours.

Thankfully, there is minimum upkeep. A couple of times a year, I fire up the old power washer to wash down the driveway, so while at it, I generously douse good old Mr. Guard Frog, removing the grit and grime adhering to its rough coat of scaly concrete.

Children, thankfully, do not fear my steely-eyed pet as they gleefully tap his completely bald head with impunity when passing by. Yes siree, Mr. Guard Frog is here to stay!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Our longtime cartoonist Jack Lown is on hiatus. Thanks to Gord Barney of Ladysmith, B.C., for this funny take on a handyman with a unique skill set!