Childless by choice
Magenta Baribeau has always known one thing: she’s never wanted children. When the Montrealbased filmmaker turned 30, she was suddenly inundated by nosy friends and family, concerned at her lack of maternal interest. This inspired her to create Maman? Non Merci, a documentary film featuring dozens of women who have chosen to stay child-free. She’s also hosting a childfree day in Montreal next weekend. She spoke to Jen Gerson.
Q How did you decide to not have kids?
A I only realized I didn’t want to have children because people kept asking me whether I did. I never thought about it before. I keep on making the comparison to climbing Mount Everest. You don’t realize that you don’t want to climb Mount Everest. It’s always been with you; you never have that desire.
Q Was there ever a part of you that had to struggle with the idea that your lack of desire was at odds with what was expected of you?
A Personally, no. It was always part of my personality. I had other interests before children so I wasn’t giving up on anything. I know some people who are not going to have children for environmental or political reasons, but that wasn’t the case for me.
Q When you try to explain that, how do people react?
A Most simply don’t believe me. They think it’s impossible for a woman to not want children. Most of the time, they look at me and say, ‘Oh, you’re going to change your mind.’ Which I find very condescending. I’ve lived with myself for 37 years and they have known me for 22 seconds, and they think they know me better than I do. Sometimes they will ask why I don’t want to have children — but only for them to deconstruct my reasons. They try to make me feel like I’m going to be missing out on the best thing in life. But the best life I can have for myself will be different than the best life you can have for you. There’s also this feeling of belonging. There is such a thing as a maternity club. People want you to be part of it. I stand outside that club, and it makes people feel uncomfortable.
Q How do your parents react? Are they upset about not having grandchildren?
A I’ve been really fortunate. I grew up with seeing it was possible for women to not have children. My mother had two sisters who did not have children. Now they’re in their 60s, and I could see them their whole life being happy and fruitful in other ways. When I told my mother, she wasn’t surprised. She said, “You’ve never talked about children.” She was supportive. I’m really fortunate. I’ve interviewed 50 people, and that’s not the case for most people.
Q How do you deal with charges of selfishness?
A Desire is a self-centred thing. Any kind of desire is selfish, whether you desire children, or not to have children. Everyone on this planet is selfish. Another thing I hear is that if you don’t have children, how are you going to contribute? This can be hurtful. I would never judge anybody’s usefulness by whether they have children.
Q Do you think if you got pregnant, your opinion might change?
A If I do get pregnant, I will have an abortion. I’ve never had an abortion, I’m very careful. … Nothing in the world could happen to make me change my mind.