Beyond the birds and bees: how to really talk to kids about sex
To aid parents fielding kids’ questions about sex, Cory Silverberg’s new book for preteens eschews both euphemisms and prejuidice
What was the biggest misconception about sex you had as a kid? This was a question I recently posed to social media, and friends replied, many with beliefs they held about, ahem, physical apparatus (“I thought people had two penises because why would you let someone stick the place they pee out of in you?” “When the concept of a seed was first introduced, I naturally assumed it was a sunflower seed”). Others were raised to associate sex with emotional or social qualities: that it was equivalent to love, or that it could only exist between a man and a woman. They were repeating information heard from the usual sources available to kids: the playground, older siblings, the school yard, yes, but also from well meaning parents, teachers, and books that only spoke to a specific audience.
“Books about sex for kids in general are really bad, and books about gender for kids are even worse,” says sex educator and writer Cory Silverberg. “They all ignore huge swaths of the population. When I grew up, the books weren’t right for me. I was a gender non-conforming kid, and that wasn’t a term that was used back then. I had access to all the books that were available. I had access to parents that were happy to talk to me about this stuff, but it still didn’t work.”
Inclusivity is one of the running currents behind Silverberg’s latest book, written with Fiona Smyth, Sex is a Funny Word. The book, which is aimed at children in the seven to 10 age range, is an exploration on the topics of bodies, gender, and feelings, told in a non-intimidating, colourful format that mixes together comic strips and prose. Accompanying readers through the story are Cooper, Mimi, Zai, and Omar, fictional proxies for inquisitive children.
The book does not broach the topic of sexual intercourse. (Silverberg, who has signed a three book deal with Seven Stories Press, does plan to write a follow-up book on the mechanics of sex for teenagers.) It is written for children who are beginning to question what it means to have a body, and everything that comes with it. Topics include learning the technical terms associated with one’s “middle parts,” establishing boundaries for when touching is and isn’t ok, and what it means to be called a boy or a girl, even if that’s not how one feels on the inside. Silverberg and Smyth avoid using technical jargon, and every chapter ends with discussion questions to further the conversation. (“How do you feel about your body changing and growing?” “Are there ways people touch you that you don’t like?”)
“Growing up is a necessary evil,” says Silverberg. “It sucks. I learned that what I think is best for kids is to give them as much space to figure things out on their own, as safely as possible. Our job is to give them information when they need it, and boundaries for sure, but the less we intervene, the better.”
Sex is a Funny Word is a spiritual successor to Silverberg’s 2012 book, What Makes a Baby, illustrated by Smyth. Several years ago, Silverberg was approached by a friend who was expecting a second child with his partner. They wanted a book they could read to their four-year-old that explained where the baby was coming from, but none of the books they found fit for their family.
“Every book says you get your sperm from your dad, and your dad is the guy in the house who is raising you,” says Silverberg, “And you get your egg from your mom, and your mom is the lady in the house who is raising you, which does not speak to adopted families, blended families, single parents.” Finally, Silverberg went ahead and wrote the book he wishes he had access to growing up. He laughs when he describes the first draft, which he calls “terrible,” but as he read it to more and more families, he found himself polishing the ideas and prose.
By 2012, he felt the book was ready to find readers outside of his friends and family. He went to Kickstarter, an online crowdfunding platform, with the goal to raise $9,500 in 30 days in order to print a thousand copies of the book. By the end of the campaign, they had raised over $65,000 dollars, and were fielding offers from publishers. That the campaign went so viral so quickly is proof for Silverberg that people had been waiting for a non-nonsense book about babies that spoke to all types of families.
I ask Silverberg about the research he does for his books, particularly his latest. Sex and gender are wide-ranging topics that encompass a variety of issues; how does he know which questions in particular are the most pressing for children?
“I have a lot of friends with kids in my life,” he says. “I listen to them, and I ask them questions. That’s it. I did a master’s degree from OISE [The Ontario Institute for Studies in Education], so I have those credentials, but my main research is I talk to those kids.” He pauses for a moment before adding, “And I was one of those kids.”
Books about sex for kids are generally bad, and books about gender are even worse