AUDRA WILLIAMS
‘We’ve decided that people who live with their friends have failed terribly’
We all need more than just one person to take care of us
When I was a kid, the most thrilling thing that could happen to me was getting permission to have a friend stay the night. These sleepovers were so much fun that I was sure when I grew up I would live in a giant house with all my friends forever. (I never wondered who would do the dishes.)
Nearly everyone I know had similar daydreams, but this is something we are supposed to grow out of, and replace with daydreams about living with a romantic partner.
Things aren’t entirely going as planned for our society. It seems like every few weeks an article is circulated that inspires a giant online hand-wringing about millennials resisting committed romantic relationships, or Gen Xers continuing to have roommates. (“The millennial generation lacks the ability to love!” “meet the people flatsharing in their 40s!”)
We’ve collectively decided that people who live with their friends have failed terribly, people who live with a partner have achieved incredible domestic success, and people who live alone or don’t centre their lives on romance are possibly just broken.
We are all encouraged to work hard to have stable lives. but at the same time, we’re encouraged to anchor our lives on the relationship that is the least stable.
It is uncomfortable to think of romantic love in those terms, but it’s not inaccurate. The Canadian divorce rate sits at about 40 per cent, which doesn’t take into account the breakups of unmarried couples. And while we all have friendships that have seen us through the dissolution of romantic relationships, centring our lives on these friends is seen as a less valid or adult choice than throwing in our domestic lot with someone we’ve been dating for a year or so.
I live alone, but made sure I rented a place where most of my loved ones live or work within a half-hour walk (luckily for me, this is an option). When one of my cats escaped recently, I quickly had half a dozen friends wandering my neighbourhood, putting up posters, knocking on doors, and shaking bags of cat treats. As I sat on my front stoop hoping he would come home (which he did a few hours later), I was comforted to be part of a community willing to be all-handson-deck when one of us was having an emergency. These are the people I want to keep around me always.
Heather elizabeth, a Toronto-based sexuality educator and coach, says she’s made the conscious choice to live with a few friends, rather than a romantic partner. “Living with friends gives me the emotional, social and financial support to pursue the priorities that are most important to me” she explains. “This is what I desire — a lot of emotional support with a lot of physical independence.”
Laying out your needs in such pragmatic terms might seem the opposite of the swirling romcom depiction of effortless coupledom. but if we’re being honest, a lot of people have equally utilitarian motives at the heart of their desire for romance. In a recent piece for Huffington Post, single writer Jennifer Garam says she feels her loneliness most acutely when she has to do things like buying her own blinds or uninstalling her own air conditioner.
unfortunately, she’s likely not alone in this assessment. The energy and attention we are told to spend finding The One has left us thinking that someone has to be in love with us to be willing to do these things for us. In reality, we all need more than just one person to take care of us, and would be well served to be able to reach out for (and offer!) this type of support in our friendships, too.
Some people are choosing to build their living situations on their friendships and romantic relationships at the same time. Natalie boustead, a Guelph, Ont.-based life coach and facilitator, recently purchased her first home with a friend. Her romantic partner lives in the house also, but as a tenant.
“my partner wasn’t ready to own a house yet but I was,” she says. “So instead of waiting around for him, I looked to my friendship circle to meet those needs. This arrangement works because I am as committed to my friendships as I am to my romantic partner.”
examples like this are exceptions, but they are exceptions we should all be a bit more open to.
And it may just be the needs of those millennials everyone is so concerned about that end up expanding our collective mind, shifting us further away from this traditional idea of romantic partnerships as the ultimate domestic “success.”
A story by Alana Semuels on The Atlantic website last week reported on a new housing development in Syracuse, N.y., referred to as “dorms for grownups.” Commonspace offers 300-square-foot apartments, complete with a bathroom and what is undoubtedly a very small kitchen. but here’s where it gets exciting: tenants of these small apartments have access to abundant shared spaces, like a living room, games room and larger kitchen, offering a choice of privacy or sociability — a balance between being in charge of your own dishes and opportunity to build a community with your friends.
Fortunately, there’s evidence it’s a trend — Semuels points to a number of experiments in shared housing that are underway, although Commonspace may be the most comprehensive. (Its concept is actually not dissimilar to that of a retirement community — minus the meal plan — but who wants to wait that long?)
I entreat entrepreneurs to start a similar project in Toronto. I’ll be first on the list — I’d love for my childhood dream of living with my friends to come true after all. Who’s in? I’ll put on the tea.