ABOUT THOSE JERKS AT WORK ...

While most of us are familiar with the standard lunch or smoke break, there’s an entirely other – much kinder and more satisfying – pause to the day that people in workplaces around the world have apparently been taking. According to recent polls conducted by Time Out New York and Glamour 39 per cent of men revealed that they masturbate at work, while 31 per cent of women said they, too, take to selfpleasure in the workplace – and these are just the people willing to admit it. It’s tough pulling off a standard 9- 5, or any daily work routine, without resorting to an intermission here or there. We take lunch breaks to sustain ourselves, we take bathroom breaks to relieve ourselves, and we daydream throughout the day just to break up the monotony of sitting in the same place, week after week.

But sometimes, talking about the weather between cubicles with your co-worker just doesn’t cut it. Swapping Game of Thrones spoilers by the water cooler isn’t satisfying enough. And chatting with the office gossip between bathroom stalls leaves something to be desired.

Sure, it’s an awkward subject, even between the closest of friends, but it’s a universal pastime. And it might even just improve your performance. “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity and more smiling,” psychologist Cliff Arnall told Metro U. K. this week. “Certainly, taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”

Missed your train? Struggling to make a client happy? Finding it difficult to locate a source for a story? Everything feels better and looks clearer after a little bit of self- love.

Besides, if smoke breaks are so common and cigarettes are essentially killing you softly, why not have a healthier option at hand? And if you’re willing to go as far as pleasuring yourself in the dingy confines of an off- colour, sterile bathroom next to the faulty stall while co-workers linger about outside, you surely are in desperate need of a break.

But just remember that while there is potential for hand- togland combat in the workplace, it will forever remain something not to be shared with your coworker – don’t ask, don’t tell.