DON’T MOCK DEEP- FRIED ROMANCE

As I glide across the tiled floors of a suburban Mandarin, passing piles of greasy food under heat lamps, I see an elderly couple sitting together at a table. They’re enjoying each other’s company, dining on chow mein.

The scene makes me wonder if I’ll ever experience such happiness.

Buffets, for all their saturated- fat glory, are a first date no- no. It’s too risky to bring a new fling to a dining environment that resembles a barn trough. But if buffets are places where couples still in love after decades of being together hang out, why not?

From a practical standpoint, the answer is unequivocally yes. At a buffet there’s no shortage of options. And the benefit of serving yourself is that you’ll never be held hostage by a forgetful server who takes an hour to bring out a bread basket.

Your date’s food choices will also reveal a lot about them. Do they come prepared for seven courses in stretchy pants? Are they eating a lot of sweet or salty foods? Are they opting for only the salad bar? If you’re a diehard sushi lover but your date can’t stand the sight of fish, it’s better to know early on.

There’s also a horrible misconception that women don’t eat much on dates. As a woman who puts herself in pizza coma at least once a week, I believe showing a potential partner your true colours early is key to a successful relationship.

At a buffet, not only do women have the chance to literally eat their weight in food, but they also have the rare opportunity to outeat a suitor and fight the patriarchy one spring roll at a time.

Buffets also have the ability to make one feel incredibly unsexy. For those who obey the no- kissing- on- a- first- date rule, a buffet essentially eliminates the possibility. Not only is it likely you’ll have chili flakes wedged between your teeth, but your breath will probably stink, too. Going home alone with a bellyful of deliciously deep- fried chicken balls is a win for your taste buds — and your morals.

So the next time a hot date comes calling, don’t take them to that kitschy cafe that just opened on your street. Because true romance might be waiting for you at the bottom of a fried dumpling pile.