THE PERFECT OSCAR SPEECH

Allow me to set the mood. You are dressed in the most smashing of outfits, with the designer’s name written in smudged black ink on your left hand, soon to be imprinted on the ass of your Oscar statue.

The moment your name is called – by a person with an aesthetically pleasing face whose name you can’t remember now – your body breaks into a sudden sweat. Yes. Finally. This is your moment, entirely a product of your own ruthless engineering.

But as tradition dictates, and as the photogenic audience around you expects, you must give a speech that not only highlights Your Moment, but reminds the world that you are humble. The most humble.

First to thank: your parents, those people who provided the sperm and the egg and had the good sense to put them together and ultimately produce the sort of hands that were born to hold a gold statue of a naked man. Sure, they rarely supported your dream, but perhaps they afforded you that goldmine of a rags- to- riches story – the one that has offered you the gravitas you so needed in such a nepotism- fueled industry.

Next, at least one Weinstein is in order. Preferably before God, Jesus and all the prophets of all the religions. Harvey is your best bet.

Thank all the other nominees in your category, who may be more seasoned than you, but are certainly not as young and fresh, having reprised garbled versions of the same clownish character for the last decade. It’s also worth mentioning the costar with the highest wattage in your cast, even if you didn’t share a scene for more than five minutes. They taught you so much. And don’t forget all the dutiful soldiers toiling away in the crew. I mean, they have families.

Oh dear, it looks like it’s time to wrap up, and you just realized you’ve forgotten to mention your longsuffering spouse, but hey, this is Your Moment, and who knows how eligible you may be now.

Pay no heed when the orchestra starts playing – you’ll do better being gently tugged offstage as tears pour down your porcelain face, and you reek of passion so strongly, it may as well be your signature scent. In fact that’s not a bad idea....