PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW NAME

“What do you want Gus to call you?” Emily asks. Gus is three months old and we must begin thinking about such things.

Harkening back to the oldtimey days of Little House on the Prairie, many of my friends have taken to using ‘ Papa.’ A perfect moniker for soft- pawed media types who’ve never so much as tied a farmer’s loop. I guess they want to rebrand fatherhood, divide the previous generation of dads from themselves.

It’s as though they’re saying, “Papa’s got a brand new bag. And that’s being called ‘ Papa.’”

Actually, that’s really all there is in Papa’s brand new bag. Everything else is the same old stuff.

“I like ‘ papa,’” I say, “but with the emphasis on the second syllable. ‘ P- Pa.’ Sound posh. ‘ Ppa, when will we be dining?”

“It sounds pretentious,” Emily says. “Daddy?” I ask. Gus could one day become one of those “My daddy always taught me” kind of guys. Though I really can’t imagine teaching him very much of anything. How to complain? Tie a farmer’s knot? I must confess, whenever possible I choose velcro.

“Daddy might work better if in the South,” Emily says. “Father?” I ask. “Too creepy.” “Give me some time,” I say. It’s Sunday and I’m about to head out to the market. As a child, Sunday was the day my father made bacon and eggs and it’s a tradition I want to preserve.

“Is that what you’re wearing?” Emily asks. She’s referring to my sweatpants. Actually, her sweatpants. Her pink sweatpants. I point out that I don’t have any clean clothes. “Plus,” I say, “I’m a father now. Fathers are supposed to do crazy stuff.”

An eccentric father is Gus’s birth rite. My father’s oddness supplied material for a radio show, a podcast, a couple of books and countless articles. His behaviour was a gift that kept on giving. I only hope I can be as inspiring to Gus.

As I shop, I audition possibilities in my mind: “Pop, can you please get out of my room?”

“Hey Padre, can you spot me 10 bucks?”

“Dad, why are you wearing Mom’s sweatpants?”

“‘ Dad’ is what I call my father. That’s the one. I think I’m fine with ‘ dad.’”