Daddy got back
One of the unexpected things about becoming a father is that any other dad whose child is even a few weeks younger than yours will look to you for advice. You’ve had a little more time to adjust, and maybe have even learned a few tricks along the way. One concern dads have in the early months of parenthood is back pain. Fortunately there are two effective avenues to ward off unnecessary strain.
The first is increased muscle strength to help you lift properly. This means you must start your steroid cycle so you hit your peak when your child is about six months old. Yes, by then you will have already spent a lot of time picking up, cradling and rocking your little dumbbell, but children are relatively light in the early months, and your arms will be doing most of the work.
You don’t want to waste your chemical window developing Popeye guns. Not only do they look silly to anyone who isn’t a gym rat, but they may also ruin the fit of the “classic cut” flannel shirt that you will now be wearing every day for the rest of your life.
You also want to extend your peak until the child is walking and you don’t have to reach down quite as far to grab them when they are on the go. While you could go back to black-market doctors for more pills, I think we can agree that doing more than one cycle of risky parenting enhancing drugs per infant is a bit reckless.
If you desire a less medically invasive solution, you may want to consider a technological route – something from the world of advanced fitness clothing. I found that by the time my child was 16 months old, my mechanized exoskeleton had more than paid for itself in lumbar relief. If you’re unfamiliar with these devices, think back to the cargoloader Ripley uses to battle the Xenomorph queen at the end of Aliens – or to the more combat-intended versions seen in Matrix: Revolutions or Edge of Tomorrow. But don’t worry, parenting young children only feels like these films!
One downside to this method is that, when grown, your children may not crave the comfort of another warm body, and instead prefer the cold steel embrace of a Constructicon. But your back will thank you, even if your child never will. You know what they say: you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. At least, that’s what the good dads say.