POKEMON NO: WHY I LOATHE THE WORLD OF PIKACHU.

‘ THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF POKEMON IS UTTERLY REPREHENSIBLE AND COMPLETELY MORALLY BANKRUPT’

It somehow manages to be both dated and current, deeply nostalgic and yet quintessentially modern. It inhabits countless media, with endless iterations and mediums – comic books, card games, iPhone apps, kids shows – and yet, it is completely uniform across them all. It unfolds in a bewilderingly complex and ever- changing universe, and yet relies on a handful of simple concepts. It is both a cynical cash grab and a source of childhood wonder and imagination. It is Pokemon. I managed to miss the Pokemon ship when it first sailed some 20 plus years ago. Back then, my idea of a good time was underage drinking with my friends in public parks. For years, all I ever knew about Pokemon involved the cute and cuddly Pikachu, because its voice was incredibly funny.

That was until last year, when my kid began coming home from school carrying decks of blue cards with pictures of anime creatures on t hem, talking about health points and“different attacks.” Pokemon Machopped its way into my life, uninvited, using my five year old son as a vehicle, forcing me to learn names that never quite seem to roll off the tongue like Magikarp and Zygarde – which sound more like a bluetooth fishing lure and a deodorant brand.

This was also when I discovered two things about Pokemon: first, I hate Pokemon; and second, the entire concept of Pokemon is utterly reprehensible and completely morally bankrupt.

Last week I received an email newsletter from my son’s teacher, which included this warning: “With the sudden explosion of Pokemon card popularity in kindergarten, just a reminder that we do not allow students to bring toys/cards etc from home to school for a variety of reasons…”

Oddly enough, “because they’re evil’ was not one of them.

Like a virus, the Pokemon phenomenon – the game slash show slash comic book which features trainers collecting fiction al evolving animals with special powers and training them to fight each other – never really goes away. It lies dormant, until it comes rolling back in waves.

This is also why it’s so hard to write about: Pokemon is boundless.

Anyone who speaks out against the phenomenon is likely to hear “But my childhood!” in response. Listen, though, my beef isn’t with your precious pre- teen memories. I loved Big Trouble in Little China as a kid and that movie will always be special to me – but that doesn’t mean I can’t see how problematic that film is today.

My issue is with the vacuous Clintonite 1990s, when parents were apparently completely cool with a video game universe that encouraged children to kidnap strange animals from their natural environments, confine them to tiny red balls, train them to fight each other, and then claim the victory of these battles – which literally involves not being the first Pokemon to lose consciousness – as your own.

This is bad enough as a concept for a game, but as a heroic narrative for a television show, it is downright unconscionable. To give you a flavour, take the lead “trainer” on the many, many different animated Pokemon TV shows: a teen named Ash Ketchum ( get i t?). Ash is a psychotically ambitious boy whose unique combination of inhuman self- interest and a love for red hats long predates the MAGA crowd.

I could take the time to describe his many misdeeds, or I could just quote the from Ash’s Pokemon fan wiki on how he captured Pikachu, his first Pokemon: “At first, Pikachu did not obey Ash and kept running away, so Ash had to tie him up. After getting chased by a flock of Spearow, Ash attempted to save Pikachu from them; seeing Ash so determined to help him, Pikachu protected Ash from the Spearow by electrocuting the entire flock.”

This, in fact, is the template for the entire program: Ash kidnaps wild animals, sometimes against their will, strives to convince them he has their welfare in mind, and then trains them to commit atrocities against other, similarly indentured animals.

I was, of course, not surprised to learn that I am not alone in considering the show to be a moral stain – PETA has apparently lodged more than one anti- Pokemon protests. I even recall reading a Pokemon comic book in which the villains preach Pokemon freedom to huge suspicion and skepticism from the strip’s heroes. But these little flickers of resistance are rare. Almost no one questions why this atrocious concept is so popular.

The hardest thing to accept however is my own son’s moral equivocation when I raise the subject of Pokemon oppression. ( Though, admittedly, not a small part of me feels content that he would make a great corporate lawyer.) He calmly reminds me that these Pokemon were lost without Ash, that they appreciate ‘ the training,’ and that they too revel in Ash’s victories – even though I point out that trainers, not Pokemon, earn badges for victory.

Yes, it’s not all terrible. The Pokemon card game is fun, even if it takes forever to play. And there is something charming about the unique schoolyard black market for “legendaries” and “Mega EX’s” and whatever gobbledegook some guy in Japan came up with to get parents to pay $ 20 for 60 cards featuring entirely fictional creatures with various violent abilities.

But Pokemon is a reminder that we should not mistake the warm and fuzzy feelings of childhood nostalgia for moral purity. It’s time for us all to finally let the Pokemon go, in every sense.

THE POKEMON PHENOMENON NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY. IT IS BOUNDLESS