Avoid the red lights
The first time I performed karaoke I elected to attempt “Roxanne” by The Police. I have no talent whatsoever as a singer. I’m under no illusions; mine is not a voice to be tested with barn-burning vigour. I think I’d had it in my head that “Roxanne” was a simple, upbeat pop song, one I’d heard innumerable times before and thus, one for which the lyrics would be easy to remember – there not being much to forget in the refrain “put on the red light.”
What I forgot about “Roxanne” is that its outro runs about 20 minutes longer than any man of ordinary constitution could ever be expected to endure, and while it proved impossible to fail to recall the line “put on the red light,” it had slipped my mind that “put on the red light” is repeated 800 times in succession. I had made the classic error: I’d mistaken a good song for a good song to sing aloud.
What makes a good karaoke song? There are some obvious criteria. That the song be wellknown and widely beloved seems incontestable. That the song remain within the range of the vocalist who performs it has always struck me as less important than that it accord with the vocalist’s disposition and zeal. One would be wise to avoid songs with unduly long running times. Repetition of the sort favoured by Sting is nearly always deadly, though exceptions may be granted for refrains that inspire the crowd to join the chorus. Ambition is commendable, even encouraged, within reason. But don’t aspire to conquer that mile-a-minute Busta Rhymes banger if you’re incapable of rapping half as fast. And if you are white and feel you must perform hip-hop, do not – I repat, do not – use the n-word.
Over time and with experience, the karaoke regular will accumulate a reserve of standards from which the night’s programme may safely draw. A friend of mine with whom I’ve regularly descended upon karaoke rooms across the city for going on half a decade now has carried off Pulp’s “Common People” and “Hey Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms so many times in my presence that at this point I’m more familiar with his interpretations than with the originals – and I look forward to hearing him perform them with the usual gusto for many years to come.
Songs of the kind are indeed precisely what ought to be sought out as karaoke fixtures: cherished, rousing, familiar. And never as wearisome nor time-consuming as “Roxanne.”