FRIENDS OF AN EX- UAL NATURE
It’s de rigeur to be besties with your exes. After Gwyneth Paltrow rebranded breakups “conscious uncoupling” on her lifestyle website a few years ago, the height of coolness has become instagramming photos of yourself on a beach with your ex and their new boo nearby. While it used to be sufficient to be civil with an ex when you saw them at a mutual friend’s wedding, now you’re a failure if you don’t throw them a surprise party.
I see the pressure to be friends with former flames affect my loved ones all the time. My Facebook feed is littered with exes complimenting each other’s new profile pics and liking – or loving – each other’s statuses. This sort of behaviour translates to real life too. A few months ago, a man I know baked a birthday cake for a girl he used to date. Being friends with exes is the new yoga or meditation: it’s how we prove we’re more evolved than other people. Except, is this trend actually a good one?
I’m happy for people who manage to get along with their former lovers. But I still think they’re freaks. For much of my twenties, I hid behind a highly evolved façade. I was the girl who would be your friend even if you dumped her the day before Valentine’s Day. I prided myself on staying in touch with guys I’d once dated, exchanging emails, getting together for tea, texting to wish them luck on job interviews. Interestingly, I never put much effort into maintaining friendships with exes when I’d been the one to dump them. It was only the ones who rejected me I thought were friend material.
Eventually, I had an epiphany: I wasn’t making nice with guys post- breakup because I was some sort of hipster Mother Theresa. No, I was desperately trying to win them back. As soon as I realized my true motivations, I gave up on befriending exboyfriends, and I firmly believe my life is the better for that change.
While Gwyneth Paltrow may believe being buddybuddy is the mature thing to do, for mere mortals, it’s too confusing. A real sign of maturity is deciding not to be friends with exes.
Over the years, I’ve learned the best way to move on from a breakup is giving yourself the space and time to drink lots of red wine. It turns out that’s hard to do when your ex is sitting there beside you.