TALES FROM THE CLUB KEEPER

How old is too old to go out clubbing? A British survey suggests 37-year-olds should not plan on partying all night Sadaf Ahsan

One day you wake up, probably sometime in the early evening after an accidental but merciful 27-minute nap squeezed in somewhere between getting home from work and starting dinner, and realize that throwing on a clean shirt and prepping your liver for an evening of alcoholic debauchery and dancing sounds far more hellish than the peace and quiet of a night in. The mere concept has you reaching for an extra-strength Advil. Maybe even two.

But, as one who has yet to reach such an age where this is the norm, you might ask, at which when does this judgment day come?

According to research cited by the Yorkshire Evening Post, 37 is the age one is far too old to be going out to a nightclub. And, according to the British survey’s respondents, 31 is the age at which most begin to prefer a night in than a night out.

Why? According to the majority of respondents, nights out are too expensive, while a solid 29 per cent said they can’t possibly bear the hangover the following morning.

Other excuses included no longer feeling a club is “their scene,” unpredictable weather, the bothersome task of getting “dressed up,” arranging babysitters and calling an Uber and/or cab and, of course, the most sensical complaint: the hell of traipsing around in heels all night long.

If any of these excuses sound slightly familiar to you (or you’ve blatantly used them to moan about why you don’t particularly feel like going out for the night with your far more exciting and youthful friends) then you – yes, you – may be ready for the crypt rather than the club.

Matt Walburn, brand and communications director of Currys PC World ( the esteemed think tank that provided said survey), noted, “The Great Indoors study recognizes the fact that there comes a time when we appreciate our home comforts more than a hectic social life and it can often be a drag to play the social butterfly at parties and nights out.”

In other words, old age officially beckons with its spindly, veiny fingers by one’s late 30s, dragging decayed spirits off the dance floor with not much more than the slight crack of a joint or the geriatric yearning for a latenight Netflix marathon.

These are the signs. You have been warned.