NFL WIVES GO ONLINE TO SHARE THEIR ANXIETIES AND ADVICE.
• The chatter runs t he gamut from the practical to the profound, from sharing recipes and finding a home in a new city to dealing with a husband’s growing dementia and applying for medical benefits. Touchy topics like alcoholism, depression and spousal abuse come up too, mixed in with ideas on what to do with spare time.
Part confessional, part help line, part bonding session, the invitation- only Facebook discussion group for the wives and partners of current and retired National Football League players has become the go-to place to air the complexities, anxieties and consequences of living with an NFL athlete.
The page was started last spring by Tara Nesbit, wife of Jamar Nesbit, a former New Orleans Saints offensive lineman. It includes more than 2,000 women who, as science and medicine unlock more about the health consequences of the game, are increasingly sharing their anguish about injuries and the effects of concussions.
“It’s scary to think about the future and the ‘ what ifs,’” one wife of a current player wrote. But “if it’s what he loves, I have to support it.”
Another woman, coping with a former player enduring chronic pain, passed along a wrenching update.
“After about a month of being on the oil, he was able to stop taking his antidepressant and anxiety medications,” she wrote about a product her husband had begun using. “Things that used to set him off no longer seem to bother or irritate him.”
Many of the posts morph into virtual group hugs, as women who have grappled with the same issues offer support, advice and encouragement or, as one woman put it, a soft place to land.
“They are very open about t heir husbands and t he issues that can be perceived as positive or negative,” Tara Nesbit said, sitting at her dining room table surrounded by a laptop and files. “When someone says something, there are 10 women who jump on and say, ‘ My husband is like that, too.’”
Nesbit, who is helped by Jane Arnett, another former player’s wife, tries to keep the page private, guarding against voyeurs.
Though Nesbit provided a variety of screen grabs of discussions and posts, with the names of the writers removed, she declined to allow The New York Times full access. Quotations from posts were used only with the writer’s permission.
Nesbit ’ s background helped win the women’s trust. Her husband played in three cities and was for a time on a series of one- year contracts, so she understands how precarious an NFL career can be. She spends hours a day making sure the page is up- to- date and the tone is civil.
While many women ask for advice on where to find good doctors and how to navigate paperwork to secure health benefits, others delve deeper. Some women ask if football is worth the money and fame, and express worry that the game will wreak havoc on their husbands’ brains.
Alison Owens has shared her thoughts on these tough questions. Her husband, Terry, who played 10 seasons with the San Diego Chargers in the 1960s and 1970s, died in 2012 and was later found to have chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or CTE.
Now, on the Facebook page, she helps other wives sidestep some of the mistakes she made, providing tips on everything from selecting the right bed for a husband who is losing his mobility to ensuring that you have a valid power of attorney.
“I’m giving advice because I’ve been through it and no one was there for me,” she said in a phone interview. “I definitely wish I would have had something similar at the time. I just muddled through it.”
Jordan Nelson, whose husband Corey is a linebacker for the Denver Broncos, said in another phone interview that conversations on the Facebook page about topics like the recent report on CTE by doctors at Boston University opened her eyes.
“When the study came out, it really scared me,” Nelson said. “Should I encourage him to walk away? When is the money enough?”
Lately, one of the most frequent topics is the NFL settlement with players who sued the league for concealing the dangers of concussions. Players started registering in February for the settlement, which will pay players with severe cognitive and neurological problems up to US$ 5 million each, and the pace of questions about the deal has quickened with the approach of the Aug. 7 registration deadline.
“I said if we get the information to the wives, we can get to the husbands,” Nesbit said, as her cellphone pinged with alerts. “It was long, long overdue.”