Buying Hillary’s book? Think again!
It’s great news for Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver. Even though neither metropolis has American voting rights nor shares territory with Wisconsin (or so I gather from a quick glance at the atlas and a furtive leap over to Wikipedia), they are among the 15 cities chosen for Hillary Clinton’s Weeping over Spilt Milk Tour — the launch of the most eagerly awaited memoir since Augustine’s early 5th century potboiler, Confessions.
Canadians eager to plumb the secrets of her losing tussle with noted cat- fancier and plutocrat Donald Trump earn entrance for a mere $89 ( GA) or $ 229 ( VIP). And for the more dedicated to the lost cause, $3,000 will place them in proximity of Hillary herself, while also securing them a photograph with the author and her signature on the book. Literature isn’t dead friends, it’s merely in a mercantile phase.
Whether What Happened — for that is the teasing title of Ms. Hillary’s oeuvre — is worth the admission price is an open question. Certainly, the comments from some of her own inner circle come touched with a note of equivocation on the merits of the book and tour. Doubtless the publishers will not be blurbing the reactions of one high- placed Hillarylander: “Oh, God,” “I can’t handle it… the final torture.”
The title itself is troublingly ambiguous. Is What Happened a question or an answer? If the former, best leave the tome on the shelf, for if Hillary still doesn’t know what happened, there’s not a lot of point tracing her perplexity for $ 40 or $ 50 over several hundred pages and leaving, curiosity unassuaged. But if What Happened is a listing of the vile forces that denied the “most qualified nominee” in American history the final prize, why, sadly, that’s stale news.
For ever since the night of Nov. 8 Hillary has been telling everyone in earshot ( or eyeshot of her blistering Twitter volleys) just that: why and how, for reasons beyond her control, she lost to a jumpedup, reckless, 69-year-old amateur with a hairstyle like a matador’s cape in high wind who had never run for public office, and whose chances of beating her were put at less than 2 per cent at 7 o’clock on the night of the election by the infallible Cassandras of HuffPo (politics for people who like pictures).
Book lovers, rightly, are asking what’s left to tell. In the public interest, therefore, I have compiled revelations already offered by Hillary or her team, and a few extrapolations of my own — evidence-based to be sure — from some of the more sinuous observations of her followers. Reading this will save National Post readers a trip to the bookstore and $50, which they will undoubtedly throw to a carbon offset charity of their choice.
Depending on the day of the week, or the time of the day, the reasons offered for her loss — in effect, what happened — include, but by no means are exhausted by, the following:
(a) The Russians, (b) James Comey, (c) Neanderthal sexism, (d) Global warming, (e) The invention of e- mail, ( f ) The terra incognita known to explorers as Wisconsin, (g) John Podesta’s texting habits, (h) Donna Brazile’s slack delivery of debate questions, often mere hours before her debates with the superannuated socialist stooge, (i) The pathetic feminizing of Ghostbusters, ( j) Robert E. Lee, ( k) Bill and Loretta’s tango on the tarmac—“How’s the grandchildren?” “I beg your pardon,” ( l) The socialist grouch Bernie Sanders promising shinier ponies than she was promising, (m) The Russians again, (n) Film distributor, auteur, Anthony Weiner, ( o) Chronic iron deficiency, ( p) Failed séances with Eleanor Roosevelt, ( q) Cellphones, (r) The Siege of Khartoum, ( s) Sunspots, ( t) The high visibility of the shuttle service between secret Wall Street speeches and public speeches denouncing Wall Street, ( u) Obama holding her back on lacerating Bernie as a “fifth-columnist” Democrat, (v) That g-d d---ed basket of deplorables, (v) Obama, for not going prime time to attack the Russians, (w) Charlie Rose’s sleepy monotone, ( y) The Knights Templar, and (z) A miserable campaign where nobody performed up to par except Hillary.
It will be noted that nowhere in this abecedarian of plump and ready excuses for what happened does there exist a hint that her opponent — amateur and boor that he was — probably ran a better campaign. Maybe those offering $3,000 for a selfie with the twice- defeated will have that personally whispered into their one-percenter ears. After all, for such a price, there’s got to be something new.