BACK IN BEDROOMS OF THE NATION.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” That’s always struck me as a slightly creepy part of the Christmas classic Santa Claus is Coming to Town: an old, bearded guy checking out kids when they’re asleep. But of course it has always been sheer fantasy that a person or agency could actually know when people were sleeping or awake.

Until now, that is. Yahoo’s tech columnist, David Pogue, has just reported on a new analysis of six billion ( yes, “billion” with a “b”) sleep data points harvested by Fitbit, whose fitness trackers can break down their users’ sleep patterns. I use a Fitbit myself and it seems reasonably accurate as to when I get to sleep and how often I’m awake during the night. When I broke my elbow a couple of years ago my normally stable sleep graph suddenly looked like a Bitcoin price chart.

Some of the data Pogue reports are pretty interesting. Women sleep longer than men — averaging six hours and 50 minutes a night versus six hours, 26 minutes — which means neither sex averages close to the eight hours we’re told to get. Women also get 10 minutes more of the rapid-eye-movement or REM sleep that is most restorative. On the other hand, they’re 40- per- cent more likely to have trouble getting to sleep, which is consistent with their greater sense of responsibility for the world around them. ( That wholly non- scientific last bit comes from me, not Pogue or Fitbit.)

Twenty- year- olds get a half- hour more REM sleep than 70- year- olds do. The average American retires at 11: 21 p. m. ( and thus misses the late- night talk shows thought to be so influential politically). People in Boston have the biggest weekday-to-weekend variation in bedtime ( 74.9 minutes) while, surprisingly, people in Las Vegas have the least. Maybe in Vegas it’s always the weekend so bedtimes, while possibly strange, at least don’t vary during the week. ( The new Vegas Golden Knights, who lead the NHL’s Western Conference, seem to be getting enough ZZZs.)

The thing about this new big sleep data that keeps me awake at night is that somebody in government will read about it and get the idea it’s up to them to address our national sleep crisis.

You might think how a person sleeps is pretty much a matter for him or her, and maybe their loved o nes, a nd a pparently Santa. If so, you would only be showing how poorly you understand the neo-progressive era.

Sleep is a big determinant of health. You might also think a person’s health was mainly that person’s concern but that too demonstrates out-of- touchness with t he way t he world now works. Governments pay for health care. How can they possibly budget responsibly without access to all health- policy “levers”? Thanks to medicare, your lousy night’s sleep and the harm it does your health impacts my pocketbook.

Sleep is also correlated with productivity. Sleep poorly and your productivity suffers. Again, you might think a person’s productivity, which largely determines their income, was their responsibility. But no, governments the world round have made productivity growth a policy goal and are busy legislating, regulating and subsidizing their way to better performance — so far with little to show for it. You can bet they won’t hold back once, thanks to more and more big- data studies, the sleep- productivity nexus is firmly established.

Finally, there are externalities to consider. The second some poor sleep- deprived soul gets into his car he immediately becomes a potential public enemy (at least until cars drive themselves). Imagine the damage done by sleep- deprived surgeons, pilots or even accountants.

Given the way we do things these days, you can be sure any idea that your sleep habits are you and your family’s purely private concern is already going the way of the rotary phone and the black-and-white TV. In the 21st century there are no purely private concerns.

The federal government is already involved. Search “sleep” on the Government of Canada website and you get 98,300 hits. The first is for StatCan’s own recent survey of Canadians’ sleep patterns (which I somehow missed: must have been napping). There’s also: a National Film Board project (“In this VR group experience for people who are about to hit the sack, users go through a series of sleep rituals with other fellow sleepers.”); info about sleep apnea, sleeping sickness and safe sleep environments for infants; and notice of a conference on sleep research, including “population and public health sleep research.”

You read it here first. The Ministry of Sleep: Coming soon to a government near you. Sweet dreams!

ANY IDEA THAT YOUR SLEEP HABITS ARE YOUR PRIVATE CONCERN IS GONE.