Parents’ guide to relieving their school stress
Going to private school for the first time can be a stressful moment for students. But parents can suffer more than their kids.
“It’s always a fascinating dynamic to see kids going off to school. Often parents are more worried than their kids,” says Innes van Nostrand, principal at Appleby College in Oakville.
“Kids are kids,” says Catherine Kirkland, head of junior school, Royal St. George’s College in Toronto. “They are really friendly and welcoming, and for the most part adjust really easily.”
As for parents, she says, “Sometimes they over-think it. When they make a big thing out of it and try to prepare too much, it can increase the anxiety of transitioning to a new school.”
While most parents have a pretty comprehensive list of what kids need to start their school year, following is a checklist of their own they might want to consider.
Present the positive aspects of starting at a new school. “Talk about new friends and opportunities rather than making it anxiety inducing,” Kirkland says. “Whether it’s intentional or unintentional, what happens a lot is that we are anxious for our kids and they end up feeling it. A little stress is good. Anxiety is a very different thing.”
Make the most of your meeting with the admissions people. “Part of the admissions process is meeting with parents,” Kirkland says “It gives them a good idea about how things fit.”
Leave the business of school to the professionals. Many private schools have been doing this for decades. “Remember that we are experts in this area,” van Nostrand says. “If there’s an issue, we will let you know.”
Make your own friends. There are plenty of opportunities through the school and outside of it to connect with other parents, even over the summer months. Often times parents are asked to join their kids at the school for get-to-know-you events. Schools also provide opportunities to partner with more experienced parents whose kids have been at the school for some time.
Facilitate ways for your kids to connect with their classmates outside of school hours. This will give you an opportunity to get to know their friends and parents.
Also help your kids maintain friendships in your own neighbourhood. While they may not meet those kids at school, there are plenty of organized sports and other activities they can join. “Maintaining those local connections is important as kids grow up,” Kirkland says.
Let it go. Sometimes parents do too much for their kids. “It’s good for them to struggle sometimes,” Kirkland says. “Kids need to learn independence in order to be their own boss and connect with others. In this world they have to be selfstarters. They won’t be if you
do everything for them.”
Van Nostrand notes that boarding school is very focused on self-management skills kids will need in university and beyond. “We have a structured approach to these things and kids will learn on their own. Sometimes parents have trouble dealing with that.”
Don’t panic. All independent and boarding schools provide timely information to parents when it’s needed, van Nostrand says. “Sometimes parents get into a big panic in May or June and start asking for information. Trust that the information will be provided in the time leading up to school.” Schools also produce monthly newsletters and provide plenty of opportunities to connect with parents, faculty and staff throughout the year.
Let your child lead the way. “When it comes to choosing a school, motivation of the student is important,” says Luke Seamone, executive director, admissions, for Appleby. “Allow the student to take the lead when looking at their options. Every school has its own environment, philosophy and programs, so students should pursue options that are the best overall fit for them.”
“If the child is committed and they have decided it’s a good fit, there’s a high, high probability it will be a great experience for them,” van Nostrand adds.
Encourage your child to step forward and ask for help when they need it. “That’s one of the most important things parents can do for their child,” van Nostrand says. “You want to know that your child can self-advocate and contact a friend or someone at the school when they have an issue. Also, make sure you get to know your child’s student adviser, so you always know you are talking to the right person.”
Whatever the concern, or no matter how strong the inclination to step in, van Nostrand’s final words of advice are: “Take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy your summer.”
TAKE A DEEP BREATH, RELAX, AND ENJOY YOUR SUMMER